Wednesday, December 19, 2007
A Short Joke, Courtesy of the Internet
"You are so short, you have to get on a stool just to pick your nose."
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
End of the Year Awards
Congratulations Smallotry.com readers! We were just nominated by www.google.com as one of the best blogs on the internet! Smallotry.com will bring you all the updates on the awards process, as well as presenting some of our own end of the year awards. Tis' the season.
A special holiday surprise: our very own featured video about Short Zach Braff has been viewed over, wait for it, 300 times on youtube.com!
Now get back to your holiday parties you crazy kids.
A special holiday surprise: our very own featured video about Short Zach Braff has been viewed over, wait for it, 300 times on youtube.com!
Now get back to your holiday parties you crazy kids.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Special Offer!
I'm taking a quick break from answering your tough comments, readers, in order to take care of some housecleaning:
If you go to amazon.com right now, you can buy my book, "The Short Book" AND "The Daring Book for Girls" by Andrea J. Buchanan for only $24.92! That is a savings of $1.00!
Short Quote of the Day: "Shortness of breath and shortness of temper are common afflictions of the tall." - Pericles
Quick Movie Review: "The Savages" stars P. S. Hoffman and Laura Linney. The first half hour is great. The last half hour is one half hour too many. The half hours in between are mixed. A small observation: it is not hard to make people seem like they have sad lives if you just show them staring at a bleek landscape and score it with sad music. A tour de force.
If you go to amazon.com right now, you can buy my book, "The Short Book" AND "The Daring Book for Girls" by Andrea J. Buchanan for only $24.92! That is a savings of $1.00!
Short Quote of the Day: "Shortness of breath and shortness of temper are common afflictions of the tall." - Pericles
Quick Movie Review: "The Savages" stars P. S. Hoffman and Laura Linney. The first half hour is great. The last half hour is one half hour too many. The half hours in between are mixed. A small observation: it is not hard to make people seem like they have sad lives if you just show them staring at a bleek landscape and score it with sad music. A tour de force.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Comments Responses, Part III
There are some comments about Presidents I need to address, but here is an easy one:
LOVE THE SINNER: Arnold Schwartzenneger is only 5'7" short. I stood behind him at a Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor in Santa Monica while he very politely chatted up the register girl who seemed to be talking to a movie star for the first time in her life. I had a long wait while she failed to muster up the courage to either make a pass or ask for his autograph so I got a real good look at the top of his head which seemed to be squeezed from out of his Gold's Gym tanktop without the aid of a neck.
I'm 5'9 and 1/2" tall (I say tall because 5'9" is exactly average) so there's no way he's the height you mentioned in your otherwise fine post.
Just thought you'd appreciate the correction, even though it's too late to fix your book. (Maybe you could tell people it was intended to be a comedy)
Me: Thanks for the info! I do very much appreciate that correction and am not at all surprised. Unfortunately, it is too late to fix my book and I just don't think I would be able to convince anyone that it is a comedy book.
LOVE THE SINNER: Arnold Schwartzenneger is only 5'7" short. I stood behind him at a Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor in Santa Monica while he very politely chatted up the register girl who seemed to be talking to a movie star for the first time in her life. I had a long wait while she failed to muster up the courage to either make a pass or ask for his autograph so I got a real good look at the top of his head which seemed to be squeezed from out of his Gold's Gym tanktop without the aid of a neck.
I'm 5'9 and 1/2" tall (I say tall because 5'9" is exactly average) so there's no way he's the height you mentioned in your otherwise fine post.
Just thought you'd appreciate the correction, even though it's too late to fix your book. (Maybe you could tell people it was intended to be a comedy)
Me: Thanks for the info! I do very much appreciate that correction and am not at all surprised. Unfortunately, it is too late to fix my book and I just don't think I would be able to convince anyone that it is a comedy book.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Comment Responses, Part II
This is a comment from Mosh:
I liked the illustrations too, but, being anally inclined (and too tall to tell any tales) I feel I must correct any misappropriations made about pogo sticks. Pogo sticks weren't invented until very much after James Madison kicked the proverbial bucket(which is very similar to the actual bucket he stood on when addressing the proverbial crowd). Madison stood on a bucket or, in a pinch, a barrel (which made him a giant among men), and/or in those more backward areas of this great nation where a bucket or barrel was not forthcoming, he stood on the occasional hog's head. I kid you not. Look it up.
Me: Mosh, I'm not sure you realized you were doing this, but you said you were "anally inclined." Pretty funny. Thanks for the comment!
I liked the illustrations too, but, being anally inclined (and too tall to tell any tales) I feel I must correct any misappropriations made about pogo sticks. Pogo sticks weren't invented until very much after James Madison kicked the proverbial bucket(which is very similar to the actual bucket he stood on when addressing the proverbial crowd). Madison stood on a bucket or, in a pinch, a barrel (which made him a giant among men), and/or in those more backward areas of this great nation where a bucket or barrel was not forthcoming, he stood on the occasional hog's head. I kid you not. Look it up.
Me: Mosh, I'm not sure you realized you were doing this, but you said you were "anally inclined." Pretty funny. Thanks for the comment!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Comments Responses, Part I
There were a lot of comments about how I left out Napoleon in my discussion of height in politics. Here are my responses to those questions:
Cognate: You left out Napoleon.
Me: I left out a lot of people in that post, because there are enough to fill a book. Which I did. The book includes Napoleon. I can't give you the whole cow if you're just going to drink all of the milk out of it first and leave it shriveled up hanging half out of a trough, as the expression goes.
Shizzlewhizzle: Napoleon was 5-6 very good for his days.
Me: Yes, he was 5' 6 1/2" which was above average height for a Frenchman in his time. Napoleon has a reputation as a short fellow for a number of reasons, but one of them was that he was 5'2" in French Inches, which were longer than British Inches, and since the British hated him, they didn't correct the mistake. Luckily, the metric system was around and before Napoleon's autopsy, his physician, Francesco Antommarchi, measured the emperor’s body as 1.686 meters, which is around 5’6.3 in today’s inches.
StephenJK: Ask Napoleon Bonaparte if height matters in politics.
Me: I...uh...I wish I could do that StephenJK.
Issak: Napoleon wasn't a politician.
Me: Yes, he is a cake.
Kendo Nagasaki: Yes, he is a cake.
Me: Oh! I didn't notice that. I guess we agree, Kendo Nagasaki.
StephenJK: He was a general who made political decisions. I consider him a politician by proxy.
Me: Fair enough. But should we consider him a politician? To help us with this question, I am providing a short biography that was cut from The Short Book. Enjoy!
“A Constitution should be short and obscure.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte
Napoleon was born in Corsica, on August 15th, 1769. As a child he was picked on for always posing for pictures with his arm in his coat. According to Napoleon, his father was a lover of pleasure (this was not a compliment coming from Napoleon, who preferred displeasure) and his mother was very harsh with him: "She sometimes made me go to bed without supper, as if there were nothing to eat in the house. One had to learn to suffer and not let others see it." Straight out of Dickens. C’mon Napoleon, grow up.
And grow up he did. After longing for death during his teens (like any normal teenager) he got all caught up in the French revolution, joining the military and rapidly advancing. By killing a lot of people Napoleon became general. If he had only saved a lot of people instead, he could have been a general practitioner. That is a joke that widows used to say about Napoleon, the man who murdered their husbands.
In 1796, Napoleon married Marie-Josephe-Rose Tascher, whom he called Josephine. A widow with two children, Josephine was somewhat perplexed and put-off by this strange little man, but he was going places and she needed support. To make a long story short: their marriage was not that happy, then sad, then a little bit happy, then pretty bad, and then she couldn’t have a baby and they got divorced. In 1810 he married the 19-year-old princess of Austria, Marie Louise. Upon her arrival from Austria, before even the ceremony could take place, Napoleon took her to bed. He claimed that her first words to him were, “Do it again.” It is a truly beautiful story.
Napoleon had many successes as a general and he advertised them well, creating newspapers to tell of his victories and crushing newspapers that wouldn’t. He even wrote some of the articles, coining such real one-liners as “Bonaparte flies like lightning and strikes like a thunderbolt” and not coining other fake ones such as “Bonaparte is frightening to behold in his sleek new moccasins.”
He had spies everywhere, even underwater—he thought fish were underwater spies and he would throw money into the river to pay them, yelling, “Collect your blood money, you fish.”
Napoleon drafted many important peace agreements, developed the first codified system of law in France —known as the Civil Code, or Napoleonic Code, which still exists to this day—and crowned himself Emperor of France on December 2nd, 1804. As emperor, Napoleon formed the first “Grand Armée,” which he used to subdue much of Europe. Ironically, the only part of Europe that Napoleon could not suppress was his own troubled stomach. Oh, and Russia.
Domestically, Napoleon was met with other troubles: political troubles. He was acting like a tyrant. He had a man kidnapped and executed without a trial or a last meal. When the French noblemen found out, there was mutiny afoot. Napoleon was exiled to the isle of Elba (an insult in itself, as he was known for his tiny elbows). After amassing an army and plotting a return, Napoleon was ultimately defeated at the Battle of Waterloo, so named because that was the song they played dramatically over the loudspeakers while they fought.
Napoleon died during his second exile to St. Helena in 1821. He died as he lived: forty-six-years-old.
Cognate: You left out Napoleon.
Me: I left out a lot of people in that post, because there are enough to fill a book. Which I did. The book includes Napoleon. I can't give you the whole cow if you're just going to drink all of the milk out of it first and leave it shriveled up hanging half out of a trough, as the expression goes.
Shizzlewhizzle: Napoleon was 5-6 very good for his days.
Me: Yes, he was 5' 6 1/2" which was above average height for a Frenchman in his time. Napoleon has a reputation as a short fellow for a number of reasons, but one of them was that he was 5'2" in French Inches, which were longer than British Inches, and since the British hated him, they didn't correct the mistake. Luckily, the metric system was around and before Napoleon's autopsy, his physician, Francesco Antommarchi, measured the emperor’s body as 1.686 meters, which is around 5’6.3 in today’s inches.
StephenJK: Ask Napoleon Bonaparte if height matters in politics.
Me: I...uh...I wish I could do that StephenJK.
Issak: Napoleon wasn't a politician.
Me: Yes, he is a cake.
Kendo Nagasaki: Yes, he is a cake.
Me: Oh! I didn't notice that. I guess we agree, Kendo Nagasaki.
StephenJK: He was a general who made political decisions. I consider him a politician by proxy.
Me: Fair enough. But should we consider him a politician? To help us with this question, I am providing a short biography that was cut from The Short Book. Enjoy!
A Short History of Not-Short Napoleon Bonaparte
“A Constitution should be short and obscure.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte
Napoleon was born in Corsica, on August 15th, 1769. As a child he was picked on for always posing for pictures with his arm in his coat. According to Napoleon, his father was a lover of pleasure (this was not a compliment coming from Napoleon, who preferred displeasure) and his mother was very harsh with him: "She sometimes made me go to bed without supper, as if there were nothing to eat in the house. One had to learn to suffer and not let others see it." Straight out of Dickens. C’mon Napoleon, grow up.
And grow up he did. After longing for death during his teens (like any normal teenager) he got all caught up in the French revolution, joining the military and rapidly advancing. By killing a lot of people Napoleon became general. If he had only saved a lot of people instead, he could have been a general practitioner. That is a joke that widows used to say about Napoleon, the man who murdered their husbands.
In 1796, Napoleon married Marie-Josephe-Rose Tascher, whom he called Josephine. A widow with two children, Josephine was somewhat perplexed and put-off by this strange little man, but he was going places and she needed support. To make a long story short: their marriage was not that happy, then sad, then a little bit happy, then pretty bad, and then she couldn’t have a baby and they got divorced. In 1810 he married the 19-year-old princess of Austria, Marie Louise. Upon her arrival from Austria, before even the ceremony could take place, Napoleon took her to bed. He claimed that her first words to him were, “Do it again.” It is a truly beautiful story.
Napoleon had many successes as a general and he advertised them well, creating newspapers to tell of his victories and crushing newspapers that wouldn’t. He even wrote some of the articles, coining such real one-liners as “Bonaparte flies like lightning and strikes like a thunderbolt” and not coining other fake ones such as “Bonaparte is frightening to behold in his sleek new moccasins.”
He had spies everywhere, even underwater—he thought fish were underwater spies and he would throw money into the river to pay them, yelling, “Collect your blood money, you fish.”
Napoleon drafted many important peace agreements, developed the first codified system of law in France —known as the Civil Code, or Napoleonic Code, which still exists to this day—and crowned himself Emperor of France on December 2nd, 1804. As emperor, Napoleon formed the first “Grand Armée,” which he used to subdue much of Europe. Ironically, the only part of Europe that Napoleon could not suppress was his own troubled stomach. Oh, and Russia.
Domestically, Napoleon was met with other troubles: political troubles. He was acting like a tyrant. He had a man kidnapped and executed without a trial or a last meal. When the French noblemen found out, there was mutiny afoot. Napoleon was exiled to the isle of Elba (an insult in itself, as he was known for his tiny elbows). After amassing an army and plotting a return, Napoleon was ultimately defeated at the Battle of Waterloo, so named because that was the song they played dramatically over the loudspeakers while they fought.
Napoleon died during his second exile to St. Helena in 1821. He died as he lived: forty-six-years-old.
Comments
Loyal readers, you are probably wondering if the reason I haven't posted in a week-and-a-half is because I got a job. Do not worry! I just celebrate Thanksgiving for almost two weeks. Old family tradition, ever since the Mayflower.
Little change of pace coming at you folks. For the next week or so I will be responding to some of the comments that were left on my Huffington Post piece. I waited long enough to almost assure that none of the original commenters would follow up and read this, because I have stage fright and I don't like to write for an audience. Did you know that 'commenters' is not a real word?
This experiment will begin after my lunch, which could last up to four or five hours.
Little change of pace coming at you folks. For the next week or so I will be responding to some of the comments that were left on my Huffington Post piece. I waited long enough to almost assure that none of the original commenters would follow up and read this, because I have stage fright and I don't like to write for an audience. Did you know that 'commenters' is not a real word?
This experiment will begin after my lunch, which could last up to four or five hours.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Never Before Seen Art from The Short Book!
It's time to get back to our roots here at smallotry.com. And at our roots, at our core, is this art of a baby head on a leg that almost went into The Short Book. The context of this artwork is that there are worse things in life than being short, for instance, you could look like this:
An alternative drawing was this:
But in the end, as those of you who own the book know, the choice was made that the thing that put being short in the best perspective was this:
As you can see, it is unattractive to own and wield a firearm.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Huffington Post
Here is a modified excerpt from The Short Book on the Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/zach-kanin/does-height-matter-in-pol_b_73129.html
Thanks for the comments, Huffington Post commenters, I am going to respond to a few of the issues you brought up in an upcoming post. So get ready!
Also, speaking of which, a few weeks ago we had our first commenter on smallotry.com that was not me. So congratulations, Andrew, you have set the bar.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/zach-kanin/does-height-matter-in-pol_b_73129.html
Thanks for the comments, Huffington Post commenters, I am going to respond to a few of the issues you brought up in an upcoming post. So get ready!
Also, speaking of which, a few weeks ago we had our first commenter on smallotry.com that was not me. So congratulations, Andrew, you have set the bar.
Rejection Collection
So, I have a few cartoons in the second volume of the Rejection Collection, Cream of the Crap, which is a book of rejected New Yorker cartoons edited by New Yorker cartoonist Matthew Diffee. In this NPR interview, Matt talks about some stuff, and then he talks about two of my cartoons in the last 40 seconds or so. You can listen for yourself if you go to this link:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16321569
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16321569
Thursday, November 15, 2007
What If?
What if one of the newsreel things at the side of this blog was about this blog? It would read something like this:
Smallotry.com Drops Da Bomb!
Short people of the world rejoice! There is finally a blog for you! Everyone is talking about this amazing new thing: blogs! And what if there was one that talked about the stuff you needed? Like movie reviews! Artist and perennial wit Zachary Kanin brings his own brand of sardonic genius to the medium of the internet, and it is like a marriage of heaven and hell... with one HECK of a baby: comedy!
Smallotry.com Drops Da Bomb!
Short people of the world rejoice! There is finally a blog for you! Everyone is talking about this amazing new thing: blogs! And what if there was one that talked about the stuff you needed? Like movie reviews! Artist and perennial wit Zachary Kanin brings his own brand of sardonic genius to the medium of the internet, and it is like a marriage of heaven and hell... with one HECK of a baby: comedy!
The Worst Thing
The only thing worse than TiVoing "A Night at the Roxbury" is watching "A Night at the Roxbury" and discovering you have already seen "A Night at the Roxbury." And then watching "A Night at the Roxbury" anyways. Twice. Two days in a row.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Movie Review: Invincible
Here is the official tagline for the movie: "If you've ever thought that Mark Wahlberg didn't have really strong, sculpted arms, be prepared... to believe."
B-, not as good as Gridiron Gang. I figured out who the love interest was almost immediately.
B-, not as good as Gridiron Gang. I figured out who the love interest was almost immediately.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Movie Review: Gridiron Gang
So, last post I told you about a bunch of stuff I need to write about. Good point. But I saw most of Gridiron Gang starring Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson and Xzibit this evening, and that is what matters most now.
First of all, the movie is about two-and-a-half hours long. I came in at about the 45 minute mark and I was honestly shocked that there were over 100 minutes left in the movie. I thought it was the end of the movie, but it wasn't. And I am glad it wasn't.
When I saw previews for this movie, I thought it was ridiculous. The Rock is and always will be a comedian, so how could he handle a dramatic role? Also, the premise of the movie is that a bunch of kids in a juvenile detention facility defy the odds and are great at football. Well, duh. These kids are deemed so violent and dangerous to society that they are locked up behind walls and gates with guards all around them. Just so they won't hurt anybody. If they are not locked up, they will just hurt people and kill people. I wonder if they will be good at a game where your only goal is to hit people so hard they get concussions and die.
Or so I thought. In fact, these kids come from troubled backgrounds and are wrapped up in gangs and even the Rock has a few troubling skeletons in his closet. Long story short, I was close to tears for an hour-and-a-half. It might have been because there was a slow, tremulous trumpet playing with my heartstrings for the entire movie, or it may have been because this old, jaded cynic isn't made entirely...of stone.
First of all, the movie is about two-and-a-half hours long. I came in at about the 45 minute mark and I was honestly shocked that there were over 100 minutes left in the movie. I thought it was the end of the movie, but it wasn't. And I am glad it wasn't.
When I saw previews for this movie, I thought it was ridiculous. The Rock is and always will be a comedian, so how could he handle a dramatic role? Also, the premise of the movie is that a bunch of kids in a juvenile detention facility defy the odds and are great at football. Well, duh. These kids are deemed so violent and dangerous to society that they are locked up behind walls and gates with guards all around them. Just so they won't hurt anybody. If they are not locked up, they will just hurt people and kill people. I wonder if they will be good at a game where your only goal is to hit people so hard they get concussions and die.
Or so I thought. In fact, these kids come from troubled backgrounds and are wrapped up in gangs and even the Rock has a few troubling skeletons in his closet. Long story short, I was close to tears for an hour-and-a-half. It might have been because there was a slow, tremulous trumpet playing with my heartstrings for the entire movie, or it may have been because this old, jaded cynic isn't made entirely...of stone.
Catch Up Time
Sorry folks, there is a lot of stuff to catch up on here, since it has been about a week since I last posted. I didn't mean to leave all of my loyal readers stranded, and believe you me, I have learned my lesson! You guys don't give a guy a break! And all these book orders I now have to process—it's like insanity around here.
Anyway, a lot has happened. We had a book party, we got a ringing endorsement from www.shortsupport.org (look in their library, the book is there), we got another endorsement from www.cartoonbank.com (look on my page, the link is in the sidebar of this blog) and I grew six inches. Also, we started a charity.
So, that last paragraph is basically a summary of what would have been posted on this blog in the last week if I had been posting, but I hadn't been, so now it's a preview of what's to come this week. Consider it a calendar of upcoming events on smallotry.com.
And consider it well, because it is your last warning.
Anyway, a lot has happened. We had a book party, we got a ringing endorsement from www.shortsupport.org (look in their library, the book is there), we got another endorsement from www.cartoonbank.com (look on my page, the link is in the sidebar of this blog) and I grew six inches. Also, we started a charity.
So, that last paragraph is basically a summary of what would have been posted on this blog in the last week if I had been posting, but I hadn't been, so now it's a preview of what's to come this week. Consider it a calendar of upcoming events on smallotry.com.
And consider it well, because it is your last warning.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Update
According to one of the articles on the news reel on this blog, short men are more likely to be pedophiles than tall men. Go figure!
Liveblogging A History of Violence by David Cronenberg, on Tivo
Here it is, Halloween Day, and I, your humble blogger-author, am doing you the service of liveblogging for the first time ever, A History of Violence:
Viggo Mortensen's son in this movie is UNREAL. Everyone in the house comes to help a little girl because she had a nightmare. Here is what real families do: "Shut up you little girl! Don't you know the difference between dreams and reality!"
The coolest kid in school gets so mad he is tongue-tied that somebody caught his pop fly in a high school gym class baseball game.
Maria Bello is dressed like a cheerleader. Viggo Mortensen doesn't even TRY to pretend like he is a coach or a football player.
Right now, fans, I am watching Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello '69'.
Now they are asleep. I'm skipping the pillow-talk part. Thank god for TiVo.
I have to admit, I have seen this movie before. I forgot how much this stupid son is in the movie. OH MY GOD.
A crazy thing just happened. A bunch of people just got their faces blown off. Not to give anything away.
Realization: I have never before come face to face with true evil.
Realization #2: I have never come out of a building and had an entire town cheer for me. Except when I was in a wedding in France and I accidentally came out the door where the bride and groom come out and the whole town was cheering for them. For one brief instant.
The son just said: "Hey dad, they all just want to interview you because of what you did... You're a HEEEROO dad!" and he shakes Viggo Mortensen's arm. This kid is in high school remember. I don't know how many days have passed since the shooting stuff.
Every scene without the son is like a breath of fresh air or a moment of life without Shrek or Patton Oswald in Ratatouille.
Revelation: "A History of Violence" actually refers to Viggo Mortensen having a history of violence. It does not refer to a chronological history of violence in the world.
The son is worried about his dad because his dad is sweating. I might have to skip ahead to the fight scene.
I wish this had commercials.
I have a Neil Young documentary TiVo'd that I want to check out in increments.
The son fought some kids. His first move: he kicked a dude in the nuts. Great.
!
The son shot a mobster. This is really a history of the son's violence. History repeats itself.
I'm going to admit that I don't know how I would react if a bunch of mobsters were trying to kill my dad. Sure I would shoot them, but I think I would be a little braver about it than the son in this movie.
Viggo Mortensen ass shot just now. They are having sex on a staircase. Looks uncomfortable.
FYI: There are no short people in this movie. Everyone looks about the same average height.
Woah. I did not expect to see Maria Bello naked just now. Not sure how I feel about this, reader.
William Hurt is his brother? I thought it was Kevin Pollack.
The movie is almost over.
It's over now.
Viggo Mortensen's son in this movie is UNREAL. Everyone in the house comes to help a little girl because she had a nightmare. Here is what real families do: "Shut up you little girl! Don't you know the difference between dreams and reality!"
The coolest kid in school gets so mad he is tongue-tied that somebody caught his pop fly in a high school gym class baseball game.
Maria Bello is dressed like a cheerleader. Viggo Mortensen doesn't even TRY to pretend like he is a coach or a football player.
Right now, fans, I am watching Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello '69'.
Now they are asleep. I'm skipping the pillow-talk part. Thank god for TiVo.
I have to admit, I have seen this movie before. I forgot how much this stupid son is in the movie. OH MY GOD.
A crazy thing just happened. A bunch of people just got their faces blown off. Not to give anything away.
Realization: I have never before come face to face with true evil.
Realization #2: I have never come out of a building and had an entire town cheer for me. Except when I was in a wedding in France and I accidentally came out the door where the bride and groom come out and the whole town was cheering for them. For one brief instant.
The son just said: "Hey dad, they all just want to interview you because of what you did... You're a HEEEROO dad!" and he shakes Viggo Mortensen's arm. This kid is in high school remember. I don't know how many days have passed since the shooting stuff.
Every scene without the son is like a breath of fresh air or a moment of life without Shrek or Patton Oswald in Ratatouille.
Revelation: "A History of Violence" actually refers to Viggo Mortensen having a history of violence. It does not refer to a chronological history of violence in the world.
The son is worried about his dad because his dad is sweating. I might have to skip ahead to the fight scene.
I wish this had commercials.
I have a Neil Young documentary TiVo'd that I want to check out in increments.
The son fought some kids. His first move: he kicked a dude in the nuts. Great.
!
The son shot a mobster. This is really a history of the son's violence. History repeats itself.
I'm going to admit that I don't know how I would react if a bunch of mobsters were trying to kill my dad. Sure I would shoot them, but I think I would be a little braver about it than the son in this movie.
Viggo Mortensen ass shot just now. They are having sex on a staircase. Looks uncomfortable.
FYI: There are no short people in this movie. Everyone looks about the same average height.
Woah. I did not expect to see Maria Bello naked just now. Not sure how I feel about this, reader.
William Hurt is his brother? I thought it was Kevin Pollack.
The movie is almost over.
It's over now.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Contest Winners Announced - Thursday, October 25th, 2007
As there was only one essay submitted, the author of that essay will receive all three prizes, totaling 10,040 dollars and one trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I am speechless.
The winning essay:
Becawse I M shawt, I have neffuh been to the Wite Hoawse.
-Chestah
There you have it folks. The winning essay, the winner of 10040 dollars and a trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory. Thanks for participating, Chestah.
The winning essay:
Becawse I M shawt, I have neffuh been to the Wite Hoawse.
-Chestah
There you have it folks. The winning essay, the winner of 10040 dollars and a trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory. Thanks for participating, Chestah.
Wednesday, October 24th, 2007. One more day!
So, luckily I wrote the contest deadline incorrectly as Thursday, October 24th. Today, Wednesday, is actually the 24th, so I am extending the contest until Thursday, October 25th. I say this is lucky because NO ONE HAS SUBMITTED ANY ESSAYS YET. What is going on? There is a huge cash prize available here? Are people not reading this? Do none of you have any experiences either good or bad, but rather all of your waking hours are 100 percent middle of the road, emotionless, common experiences that provoke no positive or negative sensations in your brains whatsoever? I'm sorry if I'm getting hot, but I just find it hard to believe that no one wants to submit to this essay contest.
Essay Contest - Monday, October 22nd, 2007
Hey guys, welcome to the first annual Smallotry Essay Contest! It's simple, just think of a time in your life when you were either sad or happy that you were short, describe it, and come to a conclusion using supporting evidence. Then send it in and wait for the prizes to be announced!
1st Prize: Over 10,000 dollars
2nd Prize: 40 dollars
3rd Prize: A trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory, in Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Deadline: Thursday, October 24th, 2007
Good luck, shorties!
1st Prize: Over 10,000 dollars
2nd Prize: 40 dollars
3rd Prize: A trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory, in Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Deadline: Thursday, October 24th, 2007
Good luck, shorties!
Oh My God
Wow. I am a total idiot! I posted on this blog all last week, some pretty good stuff too, and I was also supposed to be guest hosting on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, but I just kept saving the posts instead of publishing them. I should have "view[ed]" my blog but I figured everything was fine. I hope the news reel feature I added two weeks ago has kept you guys entertained and informed on the stuff that is going on in the short community. Anyways, I feel like a total idiot. I'm gonna post the stuff from the past week sort of staggered, so there should be a few posts coming up.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Exciting Developments with the Blog
Before reading this post, please look at the right hand side of the blog and you will notice a few new features. There is a 'list element' that provides a list of when I will be doing readings and publicity for The Short Book. There is a also a 'newsreel' which shows the google news searches for "short stature." I toyed with the idea of putting a newsreel with the search for "short stature big ideas" but the sidebar was getting way too long, even for a blog. The first search for that one was something called "hip hip hobbit" which was about a bar tended only by short people. Interesting sure, but newsworthy? Sure.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Short Book World Tour
The Short Book is going on a tour around the blogging world. This week it is on Nick Sylvester's www.riffmarket.com for the whole week! Thanks Nick, I am sure everyone who reads your blog is wondering what the shit is going on. Who knows where we'll be next week? We could be on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, or even eleventhstreetoffice.blogspot.com! This is very excited for all of us here (me).
Also, there is a live actual tour going on. This Sunday, October 21st, I am doing a reading with the author of Ant Farm; And Other Disasters Simon Rich, Saturday Night Live writer Colin Jost, and New Yorker writer Lizzie Widdicombe, at the KGB Bar in New York City. The rest of the tour I will try to put on a sidebar on this blog.
Also, people, please stop calling me at night. I am sorry if this blog's comments section can't accommodate all of your comments, but I need to sleep at night. I will answer your questions from my voicemail alphabetically for now, but after this, just confine yourself to the comments section or snail mail. Thanks.
Question 1: How do you sleep?
I sleep on my stomach. This is because when I was a young adolescent at summer camp I had thin sheets and did not want to wake up in a bunk full of my peers with morning moose showing. I trained myself.
Question 2: Where is the best place for a short person to buy a bed?
Online. That way there are no pushy salespeople trying to get a commission.
Question 3: Which is the best brand of bed for a short person?
The kind astronauts use. Most astronauts are short, and they have to sleep really well or else they will get claustrophobic. I learned from a soda cup at McDonald's yesterday that astronauts grow 2 inches in space.
Question 4: Why do astronauts grow two inches in space?
Well, I could look this up on the internet, but so could you, so I will just guess: we all grow 1-2 inches every night when we sleep because we shrink that amount during the day just from gravity. There is no gravity in space, so they are not being squashed down during the day. Another possibility is from physics: as matter approaches the speed of light it expands infinitely. So when you see a video of astronauts in a spaceship, they look relatively the same size because everything has expanded, but they are about 400 miles long.
Question 5: Why don't you just put your phone on vibrate at night so I can't call you or look at you through your window. Did you know your curtains don't cover your window all the way at the top?
Yes, I did know that about my curtains. I don't put my phone on vibrate, because then when it vibrates on my night stand it is liable to shake itself onto the floor which is really scary at night. Scarier than talking to a crazy stalker.
Also, there is a live actual tour going on. This Sunday, October 21st, I am doing a reading with the author of Ant Farm; And Other Disasters Simon Rich, Saturday Night Live writer Colin Jost, and New Yorker writer Lizzie Widdicombe, at the KGB Bar in New York City. The rest of the tour I will try to put on a sidebar on this blog.
Also, people, please stop calling me at night. I am sorry if this blog's comments section can't accommodate all of your comments, but I need to sleep at night. I will answer your questions from my voicemail alphabetically for now, but after this, just confine yourself to the comments section or snail mail. Thanks.
Question 1: How do you sleep?
I sleep on my stomach. This is because when I was a young adolescent at summer camp I had thin sheets and did not want to wake up in a bunk full of my peers with morning moose showing. I trained myself.
Question 2: Where is the best place for a short person to buy a bed?
Online. That way there are no pushy salespeople trying to get a commission.
Question 3: Which is the best brand of bed for a short person?
The kind astronauts use. Most astronauts are short, and they have to sleep really well or else they will get claustrophobic. I learned from a soda cup at McDonald's yesterday that astronauts grow 2 inches in space.
Question 4: Why do astronauts grow two inches in space?
Well, I could look this up on the internet, but so could you, so I will just guess: we all grow 1-2 inches every night when we sleep because we shrink that amount during the day just from gravity. There is no gravity in space, so they are not being squashed down during the day. Another possibility is from physics: as matter approaches the speed of light it expands infinitely. So when you see a video of astronauts in a spaceship, they look relatively the same size because everything has expanded, but they are about 400 miles long.
Question 5: Why don't you just put your phone on vibrate at night so I can't call you or look at you through your window. Did you know your curtains don't cover your window all the way at the top?
Yes, I did know that about my curtains. I don't put my phone on vibrate, because then when it vibrates on my night stand it is liable to shake itself onto the floor which is really scary at night. Scarier than talking to a crazy stalker.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Smallotry Quiz
Here are three real testimonials from my blog's real readers. I want you to read them and think about whether they are examples of smallotry, and then just think some more about things you don't get a chance to think about that often. You can't spend your whole life avoiding thinking about death. It is real, and terrifying.
Testimonial 1:
I'm a short lady, and I enjoy sleeping next to my tall hubby because he makes me feel safe and loved. The only thing is that lately before we go to sleep, he calls me another woman's name and tells me he thinks his wife is crazy. Is he making fun of me because I am short?
Testimonial 2:
I am a short man and a lot of times at the office people will say things like, "Hey Junior, how was your 'big' golf game this weekend?" Are they making fun of me for being short, or are they just saying my name, which is Junior, and referring to the fact that I post weekly pornographic films of myself on the office server under the file name 'big golf game'?
Testimonial 3:
I write history books, and one thing I can never figure out is what's the difference between ibid and idem for a bibliography? I am also fluent in Latin, so this is really stupid of me.
Testimonial 1:
I'm a short lady, and I enjoy sleeping next to my tall hubby because he makes me feel safe and loved. The only thing is that lately before we go to sleep, he calls me another woman's name and tells me he thinks his wife is crazy. Is he making fun of me because I am short?
Testimonial 2:
I am a short man and a lot of times at the office people will say things like, "Hey Junior, how was your 'big' golf game this weekend?" Are they making fun of me for being short, or are they just saying my name, which is Junior, and referring to the fact that I post weekly pornographic films of myself on the office server under the file name 'big golf game'?
Testimonial 3:
I write history books, and one thing I can never figure out is what's the difference between ibid and idem for a bibliography? I am also fluent in Latin, so this is really stupid of me.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Movie Corner
Q. What is the shortest movie you've ever watched?
A. A YouTube.
I just watched Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I give it a B-
That's this week's movie corner. Next week's will be a little better.
A. A YouTube.
I just watched Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I give it a B-
That's this week's movie corner. Next week's will be a little better.
Other Characteristics
While 'short' is neither here nor there, here are some descriptors that are generally uncomplimentary:
Squat
Husky
Dumpy
Thickset
Podgy
Round
Stubby
Stocky
Solid-ly fat
Bunched Up
Sneezable
Mummy
Trapezoidal
Terrycloth-Cheeked
Forty-Bagger
You Look Like a Dog Fart
Thanks, Microsoft Thesaurus!
Squat
Husky
Dumpy
Thickset
Podgy
Round
Stubby
Stocky
Solid-ly fat
Bunched Up
Sneezable
Mummy
Trapezoidal
Terrycloth-Cheeked
Forty-Bagger
You Look Like a Dog Fart
Thanks, Microsoft Thesaurus!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
HOLY CRAP - Never before seen art from The Short Book!
Believe it or not, this art did not pass the cut for publication. It is a beautifully rendered piece that depicts a young Drew Barrymore coming to terms with the early addictions that came with fame at such a young age. Drew Barrymore—5'1"—has suffered enough in the public eye, and it is just not my place to make this kind of comment that I almost did. I saw Drew Barrymore once on the street outside of the New York Public Library at Bryant Park. She seemed small, and not too many people noticed her, but I did, because I'm pretty good at spotting celebrities. A lot of people know that about me.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
News You Can Use
Yesterday was Columbus Day in the United States. How tall was this genocidal monster, Christopher Columbus? There are no portraits in existence from when he was alive, so we have to go by written accounts. His illegitimate son Ferdinand describes him as follows:
The Admiral was a well-built man of more than medium stature, long visaged with cheeks somewhat high, but neither fat nor thin. He had an aquiline nose and his eyes were light in color; his complexion too was light, but kindling to a vivid red. In youth his hair was blond, but when he came to his thirtieth year it all turned white. [Morison 1942: 44]
This description is pretty much corroborated by other equally reliable sources with a few minor discrepancies. Nevertheless, there is agreement that he was "taller than the average" and "his form was tall, above the medium." Also, you can see in this picture that Columbus was as big as a boat. (I stole this picture from the internet, but I think it is legal.)
So, shorties, love him or hate him, he wasn't one of us.
For further reading: http://commfaculty.fullerton.edu/lester/writings/admiral.html
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Introduction
Hello again. I thought it might be important to make an introduction to this blog.
The Short Book is a funny little book about being short, the science behind shortness, famous short people, and smallotry. Smallotry is discrimination against a person based on his or her short stature. I coined the term in the book. That's how important this book is.
Anyways, this is sort of an addendum, for extra short news, and to serve as a forum for short people to talk about how they have suffered. But please, no nuts. You know who you are nuts, so don't write in. Thanks. So remember, no nuts, just really irate people who remember every slight they have ever received.
There are worse things than being short. Like losing a parent, or a grandparent, or some kids, or a leg, or an arm, an eye, a bike, a piece of cake, the lottery, a soccer game, a magic pie, a sick dog, or a brick that you chiseled a pretty girl's phone number on with a rusty nail. But life is pretty long and pretty boring, so there is a lot of time to think about the ways that each and every one of us got screwed by Mother Nature, or science, or God, or whoever you personally believe totally screwed you.
And that is why us short people can be simultaneously pissed off about our lot in life, and pissed up about the advantages of being short. Pissed up means like "revved up."
I just realized I should be writing this blog as a person who is just a fan of the book. I might do that tomorrow. We all have a lot to learn.
The Short Book is a funny little book about being short, the science behind shortness, famous short people, and smallotry. Smallotry is discrimination against a person based on his or her short stature. I coined the term in the book. That's how important this book is.
Anyways, this is sort of an addendum, for extra short news, and to serve as a forum for short people to talk about how they have suffered. But please, no nuts. You know who you are nuts, so don't write in. Thanks. So remember, no nuts, just really irate people who remember every slight they have ever received.
There are worse things than being short. Like losing a parent, or a grandparent, or some kids, or a leg, or an arm, an eye, a bike, a piece of cake, the lottery, a soccer game, a magic pie, a sick dog, or a brick that you chiseled a pretty girl's phone number on with a rusty nail. But life is pretty long and pretty boring, so there is a lot of time to think about the ways that each and every one of us got screwed by Mother Nature, or science, or God, or whoever you personally believe totally screwed you.
And that is why us short people can be simultaneously pissed off about our lot in life, and pissed up about the advantages of being short. Pissed up means like "revved up."
I just realized I should be writing this blog as a person who is just a fan of the book. I might do that tomorrow. We all have a lot to learn.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The Short Book
Hello.
I haven't watched this yet, but I think it has to do with shortness:
http://ianschwartz.com/2007/09/27/video-dennis-kucinich-its-either-me-or-a-tall-president/
I haven't watched this yet, but I think it has to do with shortness:
http://ianschwartz.com/2007/09/27/video-dennis-kucinich-its-either-me-or-a-tall-president/
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