Here it is, Halloween Day, and I, your humble blogger-author, am doing you the service of liveblogging for the first time ever, A History of Violence:
Viggo Mortensen's son in this movie is UNREAL. Everyone in the house comes to help a little girl because she had a nightmare. Here is what real families do: "Shut up you little girl! Don't you know the difference between dreams and reality!"
The coolest kid in school gets so mad he is tongue-tied that somebody caught his pop fly in a high school gym class baseball game.
Maria Bello is dressed like a cheerleader. Viggo Mortensen doesn't even TRY to pretend like he is a coach or a football player.
Right now, fans, I am watching Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello '69'.
Now they are asleep. I'm skipping the pillow-talk part. Thank god for TiVo.
I have to admit, I have seen this movie before. I forgot how much this stupid son is in the movie. OH MY GOD.
A crazy thing just happened. A bunch of people just got their faces blown off. Not to give anything away.
Realization: I have never before come face to face with true evil.
Realization #2: I have never come out of a building and had an entire town cheer for me. Except when I was in a wedding in France and I accidentally came out the door where the bride and groom come out and the whole town was cheering for them. For one brief instant.
The son just said: "Hey dad, they all just want to interview you because of what you did... You're a HEEEROO dad!" and he shakes Viggo Mortensen's arm. This kid is in high school remember. I don't know how many days have passed since the shooting stuff.
Every scene without the son is like a breath of fresh air or a moment of life without Shrek or Patton Oswald in Ratatouille.
Revelation: "A History of Violence" actually refers to Viggo Mortensen having a history of violence. It does not refer to a chronological history of violence in the world.
The son is worried about his dad because his dad is sweating. I might have to skip ahead to the fight scene.
I wish this had commercials.
I have a Neil Young documentary TiVo'd that I want to check out in increments.
The son fought some kids. His first move: he kicked a dude in the nuts. Great.
The son shot a mobster. This is really a history of the son's violence. History repeats itself.
I'm going to admit that I don't know how I would react if a bunch of mobsters were trying to kill my dad. Sure I would shoot them, but I think I would be a little braver about it than the son in this movie.
Viggo Mortensen ass shot just now. They are having sex on a staircase. Looks uncomfortable.
FYI: There are no short people in this movie. Everyone looks about the same average height.
Woah. I did not expect to see Maria Bello naked just now. Not sure how I feel about this, reader.
William Hurt is his brother? I thought it was Kevin Pollack.
The movie is almost over.
It's over now.