The Short Book is going on a tour around the blogging world. This week it is on Nick Sylvester's www.riffmarket.com for the whole week! Thanks Nick, I am sure everyone who reads your blog is wondering what the shit is going on. Who knows where we'll be next week? We could be on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, or even eleventhstreetoffice.blogspot.com! This is very excited for all of us here (me).
Also, there is a live actual tour going on. This Sunday, October 21st, I am doing a reading with the author of Ant Farm; And Other Disasters Simon Rich, Saturday Night Live writer Colin Jost, and New Yorker writer Lizzie Widdicombe, at the KGB Bar in New York City. The rest of the tour I will try to put on a sidebar on this blog.
Also, people, please stop calling me at night. I am sorry if this blog's comments section can't accommodate all of your comments, but I need to sleep at night. I will answer your questions from my voicemail alphabetically for now, but after this, just confine yourself to the comments section or snail mail. Thanks.
Question 1: How do you sleep?
I sleep on my stomach. This is because when I was a young adolescent at summer camp I had thin sheets and did not want to wake up in a bunk full of my peers with morning moose showing. I trained myself.
Question 2: Where is the best place for a short person to buy a bed?
Online. That way there are no pushy salespeople trying to get a commission.
Question 3: Which is the best brand of bed for a short person?
The kind astronauts use. Most astronauts are short, and they have to sleep really well or else they will get claustrophobic. I learned from a soda cup at McDonald's yesterday that astronauts grow 2 inches in space.
Question 4: Why do astronauts grow two inches in space?
Well, I could look this up on the internet, but so could you, so I will just guess: we all grow 1-2 inches every night when we sleep because we shrink that amount during the day just from gravity. There is no gravity in space, so they are not being squashed down during the day. Another possibility is from physics: as matter approaches the speed of light it expands infinitely. So when you see a video of astronauts in a spaceship, they look relatively the same size because everything has expanded, but they are about 400 miles long.
Question 5: Why don't you just put your phone on vibrate at night so I can't call you or look at you through your window. Did you know your curtains don't cover your window all the way at the top?
Yes, I did know that about my curtains. I don't put my phone on vibrate, because then when it vibrates on my night stand it is liable to shake itself onto the floor which is really scary at night. Scarier than talking to a crazy stalker.