Goldfish

Chances are, if you sit at your computer for a while with an open bag of goldfish next to you, you will eat a lot of goldfish.

This message was brought to you by Pepperidge Farms and Yahoo.com.

Oh Brother

The fat cats at Yahoo are really grilling me about keeping up with the blog. This is the conversation I had with them earlier today on a conference call:

Tony: Z-man, how's it hanging?
Me: Oh Jesus, what do you you guys want?
Chad: Nothin' brothuh, just checkin' in with our new guy on the scene.
Me: That's great. (cough) Oh geez, sorry guys, I'm too sick to talk.
Tony: Z, that's no problem, get back to us when you feel better. We don't want nothing to happen to you, our biggest investment thus far!
Me: I'm... losing... my... voice...can't...talk...
Chad: You take care, Zachary.
Tony: Take care of yourself, big guy.
Me: Call...the...police...
Chad: What?
Me: Nothing. Bye.

So anyways, they e-mailed me later and said they wanted me to do a movie review, so here you go, you fascists.

THE NEW WORLD, by TERRENCE MALICK
First of all, Jonathan Pryce, why are you in this movie? You're like an extra. You don't have any lines. Did they even pay you? How does something like that happen? Second of all, John Rolfe, here is a bit of advice: stop taking your wives on trips back and forth from England and all over the globe. That is how they are dying.

Yahoooooo-ooh!

So, you probably read about this in the papers, but the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I was busy working out the details of a huge, huge merger with Yahoo.   Let's just say, I don't need to worry about a large portion of my rent for next month.

What this means for you, readers: everything is going to be about Yahoo from now on.  With the exception of the sidebar which shows you google news stories or whatever, which I do not know how to remove.

Here is an example post, from the new and improved Smallotry.com:

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, folks, but a lot has been going on in the Yahoo.com universe, of which I am no small part.  First of all, my friends at Yahoo.com put together this great review of TV shows from this past week.  I was also busy learning about why online college is hot, and Magic Johnson is going to be running for mayor of Sacramento (a city I have been in)—all on the Yahoo.com homepage!  Yahoo.com is definitely not short on information!

Basketball

This image is courtesy of Asha Schecter, who also found the photos for The Short Book.

Where you been, Zachary Kanin?

Readers, fans, countrymen and countrywomen and countrybumpkins, you're probably wondering if the reason I haven't posted in a little bit is because I've run out of ideas about smallotry.  Well, that's sort of rude, first of all, and second of all, sort of irrelevant, since I rarely post about smallotry anyways. The actual reason I haven't been doing my due diligence, is because... drumroll... keep it rolling... I need to get a snack... keep rolling... playing a little online boggle now... snacking... rolling...

I'm about to begin the second leg of The Short Book world tour!

I know it's been a long, crazy, mind-blowing trip for those loyal many who have been following me around the globe to each reading of the same 7 pages of The Short Book, and I appreciate what you do for me.  And that is why I am going to give something back to you: more tour dates.  Here they are:

April 9th, 6-7:30ish, The Avid Reader, Sacramento, CA

April 17th, 4pm, The Brown Bookstore, Providence, RI

Whoa!  Not all at once!  Some people have asked, why Sacramento, and not LA or San Francisco?  Um, are those the state capital?  I only do readings in state capitals.  Plus New York City. 

What the Hell

I called my credit card company to pay my bill today and the woman with whom I spoke called me ma'am also.  She also did not correct herself, even though I told her my name.  I am thinking about getting reconstructive surgery on my voicebox.  Or if that isn't an option, reconstructive surgery to turn myself into a woman.

The Bryant Park Project

I was on the radio this morning. You can listen to it here. I didn't get a chance to plug my book, but I did reference the whole "ma'am" incident from yesterday, so true fans will understand that it is time to buy a second copy.

Ma'am

As a freelance artist/writer, half of all of the money I make goes to taxes. The logic behind this is that freelancers don't get benefits or have regular salaries where they make enough to live. Anyways, as a self-employed person I can also deduct most of the things that I purchase. These two facts combined mean that I need to go to an accountant to help me with my taxes. As of now I do not have an accountant, so I called one that was recommended to me by my friend and fellow cartoonist, David Sipress. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Uhhhh, hi, one minute (plug phone into charger), sorry about that.
Receptionist: Mm.
Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIII, I'm a friend of, David Sipress recommended me to you, and I guess I wanted to know how much Marty charges.
Receptionist: You would actually have to speak to him. Can you hold?
Me: Of course, of course, sure, go ahead, no problem.
[I am put on hold]
Receptionist: Ma'am?
Me: Pardon?
Receptionist: He is not in, do you want to leave a voicemail?
Me: O.K.
etc.

Did you notice anything weird about that conversation? Remember: I am a man.

Book

I think you can either buy my book for $9.95 or $3.50 on amazon.com right now. You choose.

I was asked to write a 750 word piece for a newspaper in Glasgow. It was for the Sunday Post and they told me about it Friday afternoon, which for them is like Saturday at midnight, so you can imagine there were a lot of panicked e-mails and phone calls directed at and unanswered by me. I would put up a link to the article, but I do not know where it is on the internet, or if it even is on the internet, or if there really is a Glasgow Sunday Post. If not, then this was one of the strangest experiences of my life. Someone conned me into giving them 750 words on why short men are or are not more jealous than other forms of people. What do they get out of that? Should I even feel cheated? I do feel a little jealous right now.

Also, I threw up a piece on Eliot Spitzer on www.236.com last week. It was pretty topical, so you might not get the references anymore.

UPDATE: I forgot to say that when I was on the phone, finding out about this Glasgow thing, I saw Peter Dinklage walking his dog. I nodded to him, assuming he would realize that I was talking to someone about my book, which he is mentioned in. He understood.

The Legend of the Creepy Gnome

Here is a stupid story from The Sun.  It is about some terrifying footage taken by a teenager of a gnome walking around drunk in a field.  The teenager in question explains, "One of my friends was so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital."  What are they supposed to do at the hospital when this happens?   

Teenager: Uh, hey, uh.  Hey.

Administrator: What is it?

Teenager:  This is my friend.

Teenager 2: Uh, hi. Hey.

Administrator: Yes?

Teenager: He was, uh, hey, he was really scared of a gnome.

Teenager 2: Uh, yeah. Hey.

Teenager: Show him.

Teenager 2: (makes scared face)  Like this.

Teenager: Like that.

Administrator: ... and?

Teenager: Can we get some drugs?

Teenager 2: I need drugs.

Bearish

I am not 100 percent sure this is because I am short, but I am taking a beating in the market these days.

Seinfeld

Yesterday I saw the Seinfeld where Mickey puts lifts in his shoes and is then ostracized for "heightening."  I think this is probably fake, what about you?

Later, I actually walked out of the movie 10,000 BC.  I don't even know if it was that bad.  But a lot of bad choices were made in the making of it.  A lot of things are going to seem like they were bad ideas to those directors.

Some Movie News

I just saw Being John Malkovich again, after a long period of not seeing it.  Christina thought it was really sad, which I had never even thought about, but I guess maybe I am not in tune with that particular emotion.  In any event, on the topic of smallotry, the movie has a great orientation video, which is right... here.

I also saw the movie Sunshine, which I promised Christina would not be like the movie Event Horizon.  Oops!  It was practically a remake.  However, this movie could have been my favorite movie ever.  If there had been no 'slasher' part to it, it would have been so good, and also, I have learned from wikipedia.org, they don't even acknowledge the Event Horizon connection.  In addition, the movie is apparently supposed to take place in 2057?  No.  No. No.  It should take place in, like, 3,000,000,612.  That is when it should take place.  Thank you.  That would make it perfect.  Thank you.

P.S. If you guys are interested, there is a great Oscars blog you should check out, here.  

Kristin Chenoweth

Kristin Chenoweth—4'11—performed one of the songs from the Disney movie-musical "Enchanted" last night at the Oscars. A lot of people were wondering how Enchanted could lose for best song when fully 3 out of the 5 songs nominated were from that movie. Here is the answer: when you have too many songs from the same movie, it splits the votes! That's why we don't nominate two Democrats against one Republican or vice versa. Also, another thing to remember is that all of the songs that were nominated were terrible.

A Response To My Readers

Wow, I had no idea that so many people were so worried about me!  Chris, I already forget what your comment was, but thank you.  Tom, I am excited to work on your movie, especially now that I know you read this blog.  Mom, why haven't you e-mailed me about yesterday's post yet?  Not as good as the other ones?  

In short news, I just saw the movie In Bruges.  It was pretty good, and features a lot of discussion of whether a large percentage of dwarfs commit suicide.  Much of this discussion is set off because one of the main characters is a racist, drug addled dwarf played by Jordan Prentice, of American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile fame.  Jordan is a Canadian.

A Long Overdue Apology to My Readers

This has been the longest absence from blogging in a while, and it pains me to have to come back here and hang my head in shame before all of you nice people. This is especially hard when there have been so many exciting new developments in the world of smallotry.com, for instance, our very own Duffbert has reviewed The Short Book on his blog and on amazon.com. Also, the results of the caption contest on mentalfloss.com were announced. So, you see, you're missing out on a lot, and it's pretty much my fault. Here are my excuses:

1. A friend of mine told me about this thing called google analytics, which is a function on google that lets you see how many people are looking at your blog and where they are from etc. According to google analytics, there are zero visitors to this blog, from zero locations. I know that can't be right, because I visit this site. So there should at least be one visitor. Me. But it's possible I pasted the code in the wrong place, so it's not working correctly. In any event, this blog is my heart and soul, my pride and joy, and it was a little disconcerting that not even I was visiting it.

2. I have been lifting a lot of weights recently.

3. I am also working on something of a tan.

4. Online boggle on facebook/watching American Idol.

5. I sort of hate this blog.

6. Recently, a lot of friends and acquaintances, some of whom I haven't seen in years, have been offering me a lot of unpaid working opportunities. Several people have offered to allow me to draw cartoons for free for projects they are working on, and some other people have offered to have me write unpaid humor pieces and in one case even a whole unpaid movie script, on an unspecified topic, of unspecified length. All of these incredible opportunities have led me to question if blogging is my true calling. It's actually sort of maudlin around here, what with all the self-doubt.

7. When I sit at my desk I usually, unconsciously, rest my left foot really hard against my right foot (I cross them) and so my feet have been hurting and it makes me not want to sit at my desk, which is why I'm writing this in bed, which, let's be frank, is not a good habit to start.

Oh, Hell Yes

Everyone is talking about this article, and it is basically what I have been saying all along. Every short person, no matter how short, has the innate potential to be a world champion weight lifter. I don't even care if you want to be one. You owe it to your friends and neighbors to live up to your natural potential.

If You Only Have Time to See One Movie This Morning

Make it mentalfloss.com, where they are showing the finalists to my caption contest.

Stepping Away From the Mainstream For a Second

I just checked Amazon.com and they have reduced the price of my book. It might be the cheapest available object in the entire history of the internet. Talk about a recession!

Primary

I voted the other day, but it didn't take. Was this because I am short? YOU be the judge.

In Case You Didn't Realize

The point of my last post about my landlords was not just to show the world that I am capable of succeeding in the medium of television, but rather to show that even though I was one of the shortest people in attendance, I was able to be the only tenant whose face was on camera for most of the time. Bear in mind, the last thing any tenant wants is for his landlords to see him at a protest against them. They evicted a guy and tried to kill his cats. I fear for my turtle's life. You can see what my turtle, Mike Belmont, looks like in the Short Zach Braff video. He's already depressed enough, without having to be murdered.

I also got my first royalty check today. I have outsold the bible (sales figures were taken from a period prior to 300 AD).

Duffbert, Look at This

Folks, Duffbert,

Here is some important publicity for the short book.  I am the guy with the green hat in the background.  The guy mysteriously stroking the cat is state senator Duane Reade.  You have to click on the video link that you can find by following this link.

best,

Smallotry.com

More Mainstream News!

One thing a lot of people like is the Daily Show, with its charismatic host and hilarious youtube.com clips.  But did you know that Jon Stewart is short?  Here are some things he said last night about his being short in relation to Conan O'Brien in an old photo:

"There is some controversy here, and that is to whether I am an adult sized male."

"We're the same size, that's a perspective shot."

"Conan's arm is 20 feet long."

"There's no reason to taunt me on the way into the building."

"John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina."

"For months Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination... and then people started voting."

The lesson here is that when your writers are on strike you have to resort to killing time by making jokes about being short.  That makes me feel bad about what I do.

But here is something that makes me feel good about what I do—an excerpt from my presidential heights page on Digg.com via mentalfloss.com.  Thanks mentalfloss.com!  There is also a caption contest that I drew there, so check it out.  

Okay, I'm late for a press conference!  (It's about how my landlords evicted a guy and sent his four cats to the pound.)  See you on local TV!

Here Goes Nothing

Do any of you like this woman, Amy Winehouse?  I've heard she is all the rage.  Thoughts?

Big Changes at Smallotry.com

I guess because we won all sorts of internet awards there is a lot of new interest in smallotry.com.  I won't say who, but one major corporation even made an offer to buy us out.  Of course I said no, but it was a tempting proposal.  You don't know what you'll agree to after your third or fourth chicken kiev.

And the links!  Suddenly newyorker.com is linking to us, which is a lot of pressure, because people have a certain expectation of quality from the New Yorker, which we don't share here at smallotry.com.  We let if flow, for better or for worse.  Remember the "History of Violence" liveblogging.  I didn't realize that when you liveblog, you're supposed to post each thought as it happens, not just write them all down and post them at the end.

But there's more!  This week over at mentalfloss.com there is a whole bunch of stuff about The Short Book.  You can see today's interview: here.

Now what does this mean for the average smallotry.com reader?  It means there are going to be a lot more of you pretty soon, and that means that things need to get a lot more mainstream.  In the real world, people don't want to read links to articles, and they don't care what other people think about movies.  People who live in the real world care about one thing: mainstream things.  And smallotry.com is bowing to the pressure.  

Will there be more sex and gossip here?  If that is mainstream.  Will there be more photo funnies?  If I can figure out how to upload them.  Will there be content about smallotry and other shortness related bigotry?  As long as the majority of people find that information to be conventional.

Let's do this, together.

Important Article

I haven't read this article yet, but apparently short people are prone to get arthritis, y'all.

Very Very Important

This is exactly the kind of thing I've been talking about here on smallotry.com.  Basically, if you follow that first link (I finally figured out how to put links in the text) you will see an article about these robbers who use dwarfs hidden in hockey bags to rob passengers on buses.  If you follow the second link, you will be taken to groogle.com, which is nothing.  

This brings up an important point, which is that dwarfs have hidden in tote bags since time immemorial in the hopes of robbing people.  For instance, Runi Tober was an Italian robber in the 19th century who did the same thing.  No big deal.  Read all about it in my book: 100,000 Rhyming Things To Remember To Say To People Before I Go To Sleep Tonight.

Ryan Seacrest

A lot of folks are making a big deal about how short Ryan Seacrest is.  Well, a few years ago I was watching Ryan Seacrest on the David Letterman show, and I started to freak out because it seemed like he was really evil and insecure.  Now I just think he's pretty insecure, but he appears to have grown into himself, as it were, and that makes me feel a little bit better about him.  In fact, I no longer think he is evil at all.  The movie American Dreamz has Hugh Grant playing a really evil sort of version of Ryan Seacrest.  Do not see that movie.  Unrelated.  The movie is terrible.

In any event, I'm glad that Ryan Seacrest is short.  It humanizes him, and it humanizes all the American Idol contestants because you can tell how tall they are in relation to him.  As a matter of fact, I now think they are all too humanized, and it makes me a little sad.

If You Only Have Time to See One Movie This Morning

Make it Norbit.

Smallotry Today

People think there is no smallotry in the world, but today someone asked me if I could even reach the wine glasses in my own apartment.  I can reach the ones that are closest to the front of the cabinet, but not the second or third tier of glasses.  DUH.

2008 on Smallotry.com

Whew! The 2007-2008 blogger awards season is finally over, and I can get back to actually blogging again. For those of you who don't have an "in" on the whole month-long gala event, here were some highlights:

• Smallotry.com won the award for Best Overall Feeling
• I personally won an award for being neither anorexic nor too fat (there are a lot of awards at these things)
• I met the editors of Gawker—an 8 year old boy and his bored father
• Google made me an offer I couldn't refuse (a gmail subscription)
• Two different people approached me about guest-editing their blogs about clubbing.  No thanks, weirdos!
• Noah Baumbach and his wife, Jennifer Jason Leigh, were there, looking great.

At one point, during HuffingtonPost week, Alec Baldwin and I were smoking cigars on the balcony and he said to me,  "You're the Smallotry.com guy, right?  I loved your book, and I absolutely love your frickin' blog, but it seems like you're stretching yourself a little thin.  You're trying to blog for everyone.  Know your audience kid.  For instance, when I did the remake of "The Getaway" with my then-wife Kim Basinger, we had a sex scene and y'know, people knew that it was possible we were really having sex on set, because we were man and wife.  You see what I'm saying?  Know your audience."  Then he started punching me all over, as a joke at first, but then they were real punches and I had to run inside as he tore at my shirt.

I did know what he was saying.  In the old year I was too worried about getting the word out there about my book, and the book tour, and frankly, it worked.  I have now sold more copies than they even printed of The Da Vinci Code, and I am still penniless.  But thank you America and other nations, for giving me a chance.  In the new year, I will focus on using this blog for what it is intended to be used for: documenting the day-to-day degradations I experience and witness as a person of short stature.  And you, readers, readers who number like the stars, you are welcome to contribute your own tales of shame and abasement.

Sincerely,

Smallotry.com