Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Update

According to one of the articles on the news reel on this blog, short men are more likely to be pedophiles than tall men. Go figure!

Liveblogging A History of Violence by David Cronenberg, on Tivo

Here it is, Halloween Day, and I, your humble blogger-author, am doing you the service of liveblogging for the first time ever, A History of Violence:

Viggo Mortensen's son in this movie is UNREAL. Everyone in the house comes to help a little girl because she had a nightmare. Here is what real families do: "Shut up you little girl! Don't you know the difference between dreams and reality!"

The coolest kid in school gets so mad he is tongue-tied that somebody caught his pop fly in a high school gym class baseball game.

Maria Bello is dressed like a cheerleader. Viggo Mortensen doesn't even TRY to pretend like he is a coach or a football player.

Right now, fans, I am watching Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello '69'.

Now they are asleep. I'm skipping the pillow-talk part. Thank god for TiVo.

I have to admit, I have seen this movie before. I forgot how much this stupid son is in the movie. OH MY GOD.

A crazy thing just happened. A bunch of people just got their faces blown off. Not to give anything away.

Realization: I have never before come face to face with true evil.
Realization #2: I have never come out of a building and had an entire town cheer for me. Except when I was in a wedding in France and I accidentally came out the door where the bride and groom come out and the whole town was cheering for them. For one brief instant.

The son just said: "Hey dad, they all just want to interview you because of what you did... You're a HEEEROO dad!" and he shakes Viggo Mortensen's arm. This kid is in high school remember. I don't know how many days have passed since the shooting stuff.

Every scene without the son is like a breath of fresh air or a moment of life without Shrek or Patton Oswald in Ratatouille.

Revelation: "A History of Violence" actually refers to Viggo Mortensen having a history of violence. It does not refer to a chronological history of violence in the world.

The son is worried about his dad because his dad is sweating. I might have to skip ahead to the fight scene.

I wish this had commercials.

I have a Neil Young documentary TiVo'd that I want to check out in increments.

The son fought some kids. His first move: he kicked a dude in the nuts. Great.

!

The son shot a mobster. This is really a history of the son's violence. History repeats itself.

I'm going to admit that I don't know how I would react if a bunch of mobsters were trying to kill my dad. Sure I would shoot them, but I think I would be a little braver about it than the son in this movie.

Viggo Mortensen ass shot just now. They are having sex on a staircase. Looks uncomfortable.

FYI: There are no short people in this movie. Everyone looks about the same average height.

Woah. I did not expect to see Maria Bello naked just now. Not sure how I feel about this, reader.

William Hurt is his brother? I thought it was Kevin Pollack.

The movie is almost over.

It's over now.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Contest Winners Announced - Thursday, October 25th, 2007

As there was only one essay submitted, the author of that essay will receive all three prizes, totaling 10,040 dollars and one trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I am speechless.

The winning essay:

Becawse I M shawt, I have neffuh been to the Wite Hoawse.

-Chestah


There you have it folks. The winning essay, the winner of 10040 dollars and a trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory. Thanks for participating, Chestah.

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007. One more day!

So, luckily I wrote the contest deadline incorrectly as Thursday, October 24th. Today, Wednesday, is actually the 24th, so I am extending the contest until Thursday, October 25th. I say this is lucky because NO ONE HAS SUBMITTED ANY ESSAYS YET. What is going on? There is a huge cash prize available here? Are people not reading this? Do none of you have any experiences either good or bad, but rather all of your waking hours are 100 percent middle of the road, emotionless, common experiences that provoke no positive or negative sensations in your brains whatsoever? I'm sorry if I'm getting hot, but I just find it hard to believe that no one wants to submit to this essay contest.

Where are those essays?

Essay Contest - Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Hey guys, welcome to the first annual Smallotry Essay Contest! It's simple, just think of a time in your life when you were either sad or happy that you were short, describe it, and come to a conclusion using supporting evidence. Then send it in and wait for the prizes to be announced!

1st Prize: Over 10,000 dollars
2nd Prize: 40 dollars
3rd Prize: A trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory, in Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Deadline: Thursday, October 24th, 2007

Good luck, shorties!

Oh My God

Wow. I am a total idiot! I posted on this blog all last week, some pretty good stuff too, and I was also supposed to be guest hosting on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, but I just kept saving the posts instead of publishing them. I should have "view[ed]" my blog but I figured everything was fine. I hope the news reel feature I added two weeks ago has kept you guys entertained and informed on the stuff that is going on in the short community. Anyways, I feel like a total idiot. I'm gonna post the stuff from the past week sort of staggered, so there should be a few posts coming up.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Short Zach Braff Endorses The Short Book

Exciting Developments with the Blog

Before reading this post, please look at the right hand side of the blog and you will notice a few new features. There is a 'list element' that provides a list of when I will be doing readings and publicity for The Short Book. There is a also a 'newsreel' which shows the google news searches for "short stature." I toyed with the idea of putting a newsreel with the search for "short stature big ideas" but the sidebar was getting way too long, even for a blog. The first search for that one was something called "hip hip hobbit" which was about a bar tended only by short people. Interesting sure, but newsworthy? Sure.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Short Book World Tour

The Short Book is going on a tour around the blogging world. This week it is on Nick Sylvester's www.riffmarket.com for the whole week! Thanks Nick, I am sure everyone who reads your blog is wondering what the shit is going on. Who knows where we'll be next week? We could be on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, or even eleventhstreetoffice.blogspot.com! This is very excited for all of us here (me).

Also, there is a live actual tour going on. This Sunday, October 21st, I am doing a reading with the author of Ant Farm; And Other Disasters Simon Rich, Saturday Night Live writer Colin Jost, and New Yorker writer Lizzie Widdicombe, at the KGB Bar in New York City. The rest of the tour I will try to put on a sidebar on this blog.

Also, people, please stop calling me at night. I am sorry if this blog's comments section can't accommodate all of your comments, but I need to sleep at night. I will answer your questions from my voicemail alphabetically for now, but after this, just confine yourself to the comments section or snail mail. Thanks.

Question 1: How do you sleep?
I sleep on my stomach. This is because when I was a young adolescent at summer camp I had thin sheets and did not want to wake up in a bunk full of my peers with morning moose showing. I trained myself.

Question 2: Where is the best place for a short person to buy a bed?
Online. That way there are no pushy salespeople trying to get a commission.

Question 3: Which is the best brand of bed for a short person?
The kind astronauts use. Most astronauts are short, and they have to sleep really well or else they will get claustrophobic. I learned from a soda cup at McDonald's yesterday that astronauts grow 2 inches in space.

Question 4: Why do astronauts grow two inches in space?
Well, I could look this up on the internet, but so could you, so I will just guess: we all grow 1-2 inches every night when we sleep because we shrink that amount during the day just from gravity. There is no gravity in space, so they are not being squashed down during the day. Another possibility is from physics: as matter approaches the speed of light it expands infinitely. So when you see a video of astronauts in a spaceship, they look relatively the same size because everything has expanded, but they are about 400 miles long.

Question 5: Why don't you just put your phone on vibrate at night so I can't call you or look at you through your window. Did you know your curtains don't cover your window all the way at the top?
Yes, I did know that about my curtains. I don't put my phone on vibrate, because then when it vibrates on my night stand it is liable to shake itself onto the floor which is really scary at night. Scarier than talking to a crazy stalker.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Smallotry Quiz

Here are three real testimonials from my blog's real readers. I want you to read them and think about whether they are examples of smallotry, and then just think some more about things you don't get a chance to think about that often. You can't spend your whole life avoiding thinking about death. It is real, and terrifying.

Testimonial 1:
I'm a short lady, and I enjoy sleeping next to my tall hubby because he makes me feel safe and loved. The only thing is that lately before we go to sleep, he calls me another woman's name and tells me he thinks his wife is crazy. Is he making fun of me because I am short?

Testimonial 2:
I am a short man and a lot of times at the office people will say things like, "Hey Junior, how was your 'big' golf game this weekend?" Are they making fun of me for being short, or are they just saying my name, which is Junior, and referring to the fact that I post weekly pornographic films of myself on the office server under the file name 'big golf game'?

Testimonial 3:
I write history books, and one thing I can never figure out is what's the difference between ibid and idem for a bibliography? I am also fluent in Latin, so this is really stupid of me.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Movie Corner

Q. What is the shortest movie you've ever watched?
A. A YouTube.

I just watched Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I give it a B-

That's this week's movie corner. Next week's will be a little better.

Other Characteristics

While 'short' is neither here nor there, here are some descriptors that are generally uncomplimentary:

Squat
Husky
Dumpy
Thickset
Podgy
Round
Stubby
Stocky
Solid-ly fat
Bunched Up
Sneezable
Mummy
Trapezoidal
Terrycloth-Cheeked
Forty-Bagger
You Look Like a Dog Fart

Thanks, Microsoft Thesaurus!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

HOLY CRAP - Never before seen art from The Short Book!



Believe it or not, this art did not pass the cut for publication. It is a beautifully rendered piece that depicts a young Drew Barrymore coming to terms with the early addictions that came with fame at such a young age. Drew Barrymore—5'1"—has suffered enough in the public eye, and it is just not my place to make this kind of comment that I almost did. I saw Drew Barrymore once on the street outside of the New York Public Library at Bryant Park. She seemed small, and not too many people noticed her, but I did, because I'm pretty good at spotting celebrities. A lot of people know that about me.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

News You Can Use


Yesterday was Columbus Day in the United States. How tall was this genocidal monster, Christopher Columbus? There are no portraits in existence from when he was alive, so we have to go by written accounts. His illegitimate son Ferdinand describes him as follows:

The Admiral was a well-built man of more than medium stature, long visaged with cheeks somewhat high, but neither fat nor thin. He had an aquiline nose and his eyes were light in color; his complexion too was light, but kindling to a vivid red. In youth his hair was blond, but when he came to his thirtieth year it all turned white. [Morison 1942: 44]

This description is pretty much corroborated by other equally reliable sources with a few minor discrepancies. Nevertheless, there is agreement that he was "taller than the average" and "his form was tall, above the medium." Also, you can see in this picture that Columbus was as big as a boat. (I stole this picture from the internet, but I think it is legal.)

So, shorties, love him or hate him, he wasn't one of us.

For further reading: http://commfaculty.fullerton.edu/lester/writings/admiral.html

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Introduction

Hello again. I thought it might be important to make an introduction to this blog.

The Short Book is a funny little book about being short, the science behind shortness, famous short people, and smallotry. Smallotry is discrimination against a person based on his or her short stature. I coined the term in the book. That's how important this book is.

Anyways, this is sort of an addendum, for extra short news, and to serve as a forum for short people to talk about how they have suffered. But please, no nuts. You know who you are nuts, so don't write in. Thanks. So remember, no nuts, just really irate people who remember every slight they have ever received.

There are worse things than being short. Like losing a parent, or a grandparent, or some kids, or a leg, or an arm, an eye, a bike, a piece of cake, the lottery, a soccer game, a magic pie, a sick dog, or a brick that you chiseled a pretty girl's phone number on with a rusty nail. But life is pretty long and pretty boring, so there is a lot of time to think about the ways that each and every one of us got screwed by Mother Nature, or science, or God, or whoever you personally believe totally screwed you.

And that is why us short people can be simultaneously pissed off about our lot in life, and pissed up about the advantages of being short. Pissed up means like "revved up."

I just realized I should be writing this blog as a person who is just a fan of the book. I might do that tomorrow. We all have a lot to learn.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Some Art from The Short Book




The Short Book

Hello.

I haven't watched this yet, but I think it has to do with shortness:

http://ianschwartz.com/2007/09/27/video-dennis-kucinich-its-either-me-or-a-tall-president/