Friday, March 21, 2008

What the Hell

I called my credit card company to pay my bill today and the woman with whom I spoke called me ma'am also.  She also did not correct herself, even though I told her my name.  I am thinking about getting reconstructive surgery on my voicebox.  Or if that isn't an option, reconstructive surgery to turn myself into a woman.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Bryant Park Project

I was on the radio this morning. You can listen to it here. I didn't get a chance to plug my book, but I did reference the whole "ma'am" incident from yesterday, so true fans will understand that it is time to buy a second copy.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Ma'am

As a freelance artist/writer, half of all of the money I make goes to taxes. The logic behind this is that freelancers don't get benefits or have regular salaries where they make enough to live. Anyways, as a self-employed person I can also deduct most of the things that I purchase. These two facts combined mean that I need to go to an accountant to help me with my taxes. As of now I do not have an accountant, so I called one that was recommended to me by my friend and fellow cartoonist, David Sipress. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Uhhhh, hi, one minute (plug phone into charger), sorry about that.
Receptionist: Mm.
Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIII, I'm a friend of, David Sipress recommended me to you, and I guess I wanted to know how much Marty charges.
Receptionist: You would actually have to speak to him. Can you hold?
Me: Of course, of course, sure, go ahead, no problem.
[I am put on hold]
Receptionist: Ma'am?
Me: Pardon?
Receptionist: He is not in, do you want to leave a voicemail?
Me: O.K.
etc.

Did you notice anything weird about that conversation? Remember: I am a man.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Book

I think you can either buy my book for $9.95 or $3.50 on amazon.com right now. You choose.

I was asked to write a 750 word piece for a newspaper in Glasgow. It was for the Sunday Post and they told me about it Friday afternoon, which for them is like Saturday at midnight, so you can imagine there were a lot of panicked e-mails and phone calls directed at and unanswered by me. I would put up a link to the article, but I do not know where it is on the internet, or if it even is on the internet, or if there really is a Glasgow Sunday Post. If not, then this was one of the strangest experiences of my life. Someone conned me into giving them 750 words on why short men are or are not more jealous than other forms of people. What do they get out of that? Should I even feel cheated? I do feel a little jealous right now.

Also, I threw up a piece on Eliot Spitzer on www.236.com last week. It was pretty topical, so you might not get the references anymore.

UPDATE: I forgot to say that when I was on the phone, finding out about this Glasgow thing, I saw Peter Dinklage walking his dog. I nodded to him, assuming he would realize that I was talking to someone about my book, which he is mentioned in. He understood.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Legend of the Creepy Gnome

Here is a stupid story from The Sun.  It is about some terrifying footage taken by a teenager of a gnome walking around drunk in a field.  The teenager in question explains, "One of my friends was so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital."  What are they supposed to do at the hospital when this happens?   

Teenager: Uh, hey, uh.  Hey.
Administrator: What is it?
Teenager:  This is my friend.
Teenager 2: Uh, hi. Hey.
Administrator: Yes?
Teenager: He was, uh, hey, he was really scared of a gnome.
Teenager 2: Uh, yeah. Hey.
Teenager: Show him.
Teenager 2: (makes scared face)  Like this.
Teenager: Like that.
Administrator: ... and?
Teenager: Can we get some drugs?
Teenager 2: I need drugs.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Bearish

I am not 100 percent sure this is because I am short, but I am taking a beating in the market these days.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Seinfeld

Yesterday I saw the Seinfeld where Mickey puts lifts in his shoes and is then ostracized for "heightening."  I think this is probably fake, what about you?

Later, I actually walked out of the movie 10,000 BC.  I don't even know if it was that bad.  But a lot of bad choices were made in the making of it.  A lot of things are going to seem like they were bad ideas to those directors.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Some Movie News

I just saw Being John Malkovich again, after a long period of not seeing it.  Christina thought it was really sad, which I had never even thought about, but I guess maybe I am not in tune with that particular emotion.  In any event, on the topic of smallotry, the movie has a great orientation video, which is right... here.

I also saw the movie Sunshine, which I promised Christina would not be like the movie Event Horizon.  Oops!  It was practically a remake.  However, this movie could have been my favorite movie ever.  If there had been no 'slasher' part to it, it would have been so good, and also, I have learned from wikipedia.org, they don't even acknowledge the Event Horizon connection.  In addition, the movie is apparently supposed to take place in 2057?  No.  No. No.  It should take place in, like, 3,000,000,612.  That is when it should take place.  Thank you.  That would make it perfect.  Thank you.

P.S. If you guys are interested, there is a great Oscars blog you should check out, here.