Basketball

This image is courtesy of Asha Schecter, who also found the photos for The Short Book.

Where you been, Zachary Kanin?

Readers, fans, countrymen and countrywomen and countrybumpkins, you're probably wondering if the reason I haven't posted in a little bit is because I've run out of ideas about smallotry.  Well, that's sort of rude, first of all, and second of all, sort of irrelevant, since I rarely post about smallotry anyways. The actual reason I haven't been doing my due diligence, is because... drumroll... keep it rolling... I need to get a snack... keep rolling... playing a little online boggle now... snacking... rolling...

I'm about to begin the second leg of The Short Book world tour!

I know it's been a long, crazy, mind-blowing trip for those loyal many who have been following me around the globe to each reading of the same 7 pages of The Short Book, and I appreciate what you do for me.  And that is why I am going to give something back to you: more tour dates.  Here they are:

April 9th, 6-7:30ish, The Avid Reader, Sacramento, CA

April 17th, 4pm, The Brown Bookstore, Providence, RI

Whoa!  Not all at once!  Some people have asked, why Sacramento, and not LA or San Francisco?  Um, are those the state capital?  I only do readings in state capitals.  Plus New York City. 

What the Hell

I called my credit card company to pay my bill today and the woman with whom I spoke called me ma'am also.  She also did not correct herself, even though I told her my name.  I am thinking about getting reconstructive surgery on my voicebox.  Or if that isn't an option, reconstructive surgery to turn myself into a woman.

The Bryant Park Project

I was on the radio this morning. You can listen to it here. I didn't get a chance to plug my book, but I did reference the whole "ma'am" incident from yesterday, so true fans will understand that it is time to buy a second copy.

Ma'am

As a freelance artist/writer, half of all of the money I make goes to taxes. The logic behind this is that freelancers don't get benefits or have regular salaries where they make enough to live. Anyways, as a self-employed person I can also deduct most of the things that I purchase. These two facts combined mean that I need to go to an accountant to help me with my taxes. As of now I do not have an accountant, so I called one that was recommended to me by my friend and fellow cartoonist, David Sipress. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Uhhhh, hi, one minute (plug phone into charger), sorry about that.
Receptionist: Mm.
Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIII, I'm a friend of, David Sipress recommended me to you, and I guess I wanted to know how much Marty charges.
Receptionist: You would actually have to speak to him. Can you hold?
Me: Of course, of course, sure, go ahead, no problem.
[I am put on hold]
Receptionist: Ma'am?
Me: Pardon?
Receptionist: He is not in, do you want to leave a voicemail?
Me: O.K.
etc.

Did you notice anything weird about that conversation? Remember: I am a man.

Book

I think you can either buy my book for $9.95 or $3.50 on amazon.com right now. You choose.

I was asked to write a 750 word piece for a newspaper in Glasgow. It was for the Sunday Post and they told me about it Friday afternoon, which for them is like Saturday at midnight, so you can imagine there were a lot of panicked e-mails and phone calls directed at and unanswered by me. I would put up a link to the article, but I do not know where it is on the internet, or if it even is on the internet, or if there really is a Glasgow Sunday Post. If not, then this was one of the strangest experiences of my life. Someone conned me into giving them 750 words on why short men are or are not more jealous than other forms of people. What do they get out of that? Should I even feel cheated? I do feel a little jealous right now.

Also, I threw up a piece on Eliot Spitzer on www.236.com last week. It was pretty topical, so you might not get the references anymore.

UPDATE: I forgot to say that when I was on the phone, finding out about this Glasgow thing, I saw Peter Dinklage walking his dog. I nodded to him, assuming he would realize that I was talking to someone about my book, which he is mentioned in. He understood.

The Legend of the Creepy Gnome

Here is a stupid story from The Sun.  It is about some terrifying footage taken by a teenager of a gnome walking around drunk in a field.  The teenager in question explains, "One of my friends was so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital."  What are they supposed to do at the hospital when this happens?   

Teenager: Uh, hey, uh.  Hey.

Administrator: What is it?

Teenager:  This is my friend.

Teenager 2: Uh, hi. Hey.

Administrator: Yes?

Teenager: He was, uh, hey, he was really scared of a gnome.

Teenager 2: Uh, yeah. Hey.

Teenager: Show him.

Teenager 2: (makes scared face)  Like this.

Teenager: Like that.

Administrator: ... and?

Teenager: Can we get some drugs?

Teenager 2: I need drugs.