New York Daily News

I got called Madame by a woman trying to sell me the New York Daily News over the phone.

Goldfish

Chances are, if you sit at your computer for a while with an open bag of goldfish next to you, you will eat a lot of goldfish.

This message was brought to you by Pepperidge Farms and Yahoo.com.

Oh Brother

The fat cats at Yahoo are really grilling me about keeping up with the blog. This is the conversation I had with them earlier today on a conference call:

Tony: Z-man, how's it hanging?
Me: Oh Jesus, what do you you guys want?
Chad: Nothin' brothuh, just checkin' in with our new guy on the scene.
Me: That's great. (cough) Oh geez, sorry guys, I'm too sick to talk.
Tony: Z, that's no problem, get back to us when you feel better. We don't want nothing to happen to you, our biggest investment thus far!
Me: I'm... losing... my... voice...can't...talk...
Chad: You take care, Zachary.
Tony: Take care of yourself, big guy.
Me: Call...the...police...
Chad: What?
Me: Nothing. Bye.

So anyways, they e-mailed me later and said they wanted me to do a movie review, so here you go, you fascists.

THE NEW WORLD, by TERRENCE MALICK
First of all, Jonathan Pryce, why are you in this movie? You're like an extra. You don't have any lines. Did they even pay you? How does something like that happen? Second of all, John Rolfe, here is a bit of advice: stop taking your wives on trips back and forth from England and all over the globe. That is how they are dying.

Yahoooooo-ooh!

So, you probably read about this in the papers, but the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I was busy working out the details of a huge, huge merger with Yahoo.   Let's just say, I don't need to worry about a large portion of my rent for next month.

What this means for you, readers: everything is going to be about Yahoo from now on.  With the exception of the sidebar which shows you google news stories or whatever, which I do not know how to remove.

Here is an example post, from the new and improved Smallotry.com:

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, folks, but a lot has been going on in the Yahoo.com universe, of which I am no small part.  First of all, my friends at Yahoo.com put together this great review of TV shows from this past week.  I was also busy learning about why online college is hot, and Magic Johnson is going to be running for mayor of Sacramento (a city I have been in)—all on the Yahoo.com homepage!  Yahoo.com is definitely not short on information!

Basketball

This image is courtesy of Asha Schecter, who also found the photos for The Short Book.

Where you been, Zachary Kanin?

Readers, fans, countrymen and countrywomen and countrybumpkins, you're probably wondering if the reason I haven't posted in a little bit is because I've run out of ideas about smallotry.  Well, that's sort of rude, first of all, and second of all, sort of irrelevant, since I rarely post about smallotry anyways. The actual reason I haven't been doing my due diligence, is because... drumroll... keep it rolling... I need to get a snack... keep rolling... playing a little online boggle now... snacking... rolling...

I'm about to begin the second leg of The Short Book world tour!

I know it's been a long, crazy, mind-blowing trip for those loyal many who have been following me around the globe to each reading of the same 7 pages of The Short Book, and I appreciate what you do for me.  And that is why I am going to give something back to you: more tour dates.  Here they are:

April 9th, 6-7:30ish, The Avid Reader, Sacramento, CA

April 17th, 4pm, The Brown Bookstore, Providence, RI

Whoa!  Not all at once!  Some people have asked, why Sacramento, and not LA or San Francisco?  Um, are those the state capital?  I only do readings in state capitals.  Plus New York City. 

What the Hell

I called my credit card company to pay my bill today and the woman with whom I spoke called me ma'am also.  She also did not correct herself, even though I told her my name.  I am thinking about getting reconstructive surgery on my voicebox.  Or if that isn't an option, reconstructive surgery to turn myself into a woman.