smallotry

New York Daily News

2011-08-31T13:28:00.001-07:00

I got called Madame by a woman trying to sell me the New York Daily News over the phone.

Goldfish

2008-06-30T10:31:00.001-07:00

Chances are, if you sit at your computer for a while with an open bag of goldfish next to you, you will eat a lot of goldfish.

This message was brought to you by Pepperidge Farms and Yahoo.com.

Oh Brother

2008-05-14T16:12:00.000-07:00

The fat cats at Yahoo are really grilling me about keeping up with the blog. This is the conversation I had with them earlier today on a conference call:

Tony: Z-man, how's it hanging?
Me: Oh Jesus, what do you you guys want?
Chad: Nothin' brothuh, just checkin' in with our new guy on the scene.
Me: That's great. (cough) Oh geez, sorry guys, I'm too sick to talk.
Tony: Z, that's no problem, get back to us when you feel better. We don't want nothing to happen to you, our biggest investment thus far!
Me: I'm... losing... my... voice...can't...talk...
Chad: You take care, Zachary.
Tony: Take care of yourself, big guy.
Me: Call...the...police...
Chad: What?
Me: Nothing. Bye.

So anyways, they e-mailed me later and said they wanted me to do a movie review, so here you go, you fascists.

THE NEW WORLD, by TERRENCE MALICK
First of all, Jonathan Pryce, why are you in this movie? You're like an extra. You don't have any lines. Did they even pay you? How does something like that happen? Second of all, John Rolfe, here is a bit of advice: stop taking your wives on trips back and forth from England and all over the globe. That is how they are dying.

Yahoooooo-ooh!

2008-05-12T09:11:00.001-07:00

So, you probably read about this in the papers, but the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I was busy working out the details of a huge, huge merger with Yahoo. Let's just say, I don't need to worry about a large portion of my rent for next month.

What this means for you, readers: everything is going to be about Yahoo from now on. With the exception of the sidebar which shows you google news stories or whatever, which I do not know how to remove.

Here is an example post, from the new and improved Smallotry.com:

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, folks, but a lot has been going on in the Yahoo.com universe, of which I am no small part. First of all, my friends at Yahoo.com put together this great review of TV shows from this past week. I was also busy learning about why online college is hot, and Magic Johnson is going to be running for mayor of Sacramento (a city I have been in)—all on the Yahoo.com homepage! Yahoo.com is definitely not short on information!

Basketball

2008-04-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

This image is courtesy of Asha Schecter, who also found the photos for The Short Book.

Where you been, Zachary Kanin?

2008-04-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

Readers, fans, countrymen and countrywomen and countrybumpkins, you're probably wondering if the reason I haven't posted in a little bit is because I've run out of ideas about smallotry. Well, that's sort of rude, first of all, and second of all, sort of irrelevant, since I rarely post about smallotry anyways. The actual reason I haven't been doing my due diligence, is because... drumroll... keep it rolling... I need to get a snack... keep rolling... playing a little online boggle now... snacking... rolling...

I'm about to begin the second leg of The Short Book world tour!

I know it's been a long, crazy, mind-blowing trip for those loyal many who have been following me around the globe to each reading of the same 7 pages of The Short Book, and I appreciate what you do for me. And that is why I am going to give something back to you: more tour dates. Here they are:

April 9th, 6-7:30ish, The Avid Reader, Sacramento, CA

April 17th, 4pm, The Brown Bookstore, Providence, RI

Whoa! Not all at once! Some people have asked, why Sacramento, and not LA or San Francisco? Um, are those the state capital? I only do readings in state capitals. Plus New York City.

What the Hell

2008-03-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

I called my credit card company to pay my bill today and the woman with whom I spoke called me ma'am also. She also did not correct herself, even though I told her my name. I am thinking about getting reconstructive surgery on my voicebox. Or if that isn't an option, reconstructive surgery to turn myself into a woman.

The Bryant Park Project

2008-03-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

I was on the radio this morning. You can listen to it here. I didn't get a chance to plug my book, but I did reference the whole "ma'am" incident from yesterday, so true fans will understand that it is time to buy a second copy.

Ma'am

2008-03-19T11:57:00.001-07:00

As a freelance artist/writer, half of all of the money I make goes to taxes. The logic behind this is that freelancers don't get benefits or have regular salaries where they make enough to live. Anyways, as a self-employed person I can also deduct most of the things that I purchase. These two facts combined mean that I need to go to an accountant to help me with my taxes. As of now I do not have an accountant, so I called one that was recommended to me by my friend and fellow cartoonist, David Sipress. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Uhhhh, hi, one minute (plug phone into charger), sorry about that.
Receptionist: Mm.
Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIII, I'm a friend of, David Sipress recommended me to you, and I guess I wanted to know how much Marty charges.
Receptionist: You would actually have to speak to him. Can you hold?
Me: Of course, of course, sure, go ahead, no problem.
[I am put on hold]
Receptionist: Ma'am?
Me: Pardon?
Receptionist: He is not in, do you want to leave a voicemail?
Me: O.K.
etc.

Did you notice anything weird about that conversation? Remember: I am a man.

Book

2008-03-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

I think you can either buy my book for $9.95 or $3.50 on amazon.com right now. You choose.

I was asked to write a 750 word piece for a newspaper in Glasgow. It was for the Sunday Post and they told me about it Friday afternoon, which for them is like Saturday at midnight, so you can imagine there were a lot of panicked e-mails and phone calls directed at and unanswered by me. I would put up a link to the article, but I do not know where it is on the internet, or if it even is on the internet, or if there really is a Glasgow Sunday Post. If not, then this was one of the strangest experiences of my life. Someone conned me into giving them 750 words on why short men are or are not more jealous than other forms of people. What do they get out of that? Should I even feel cheated? I do feel a little jealous right now.

Also, I threw up a piece on Eliot Spitzer on www.236.com last week. It was pretty topical, so you might not get the references anymore.

UPDATE: I forgot to say that when I was on the phone, finding out about this Glasgow thing, I saw Peter Dinklage walking his dog. I nodded to him, assuming he would realize that I was talking to someone about my book, which he is mentioned in. He understood.

The Legend of the Creepy Gnome

2008-03-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

Here is a stupid story from The Sun. It is about some terrifying footage taken by a teenager of a gnome walking around drunk in a field. The teenager in question explains, "One of my friends was so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital." What are they supposed to do at the hospital when this happens?

Teenager: Uh, hey, uh. Hey.

Administrator: What is it?

Teenager: This is my friend.

Teenager 2: Uh, hi. Hey.

Administrator: Yes?

Teenager: He was, uh, hey, he was really scared of a gnome.

Teenager 2: Uh, yeah. Hey.

Teenager: Show him.

Teenager 2: (makes scared face) Like this.

Teenager: Like that.

Administrator: ... and?

Teenager: Can we get some drugs?

Teenager 2: I need drugs.

Bearish

2008-03-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

I am not 100 percent sure this is because I am short, but I am taking a beating in the market these days.

Seinfeld

2008-03-07T07:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I saw the Seinfeld where Mickey puts lifts in his shoes and is then ostracized for "heightening." I think this is probably fake, what about you?

Later, I actually walked out of the movie 10,000 BC. I don't even know if it was that bad. But a lot of bad choices were made in the making of it. A lot of things are going to seem like they were bad ideas to those directors.

Some Movie News

2008-03-03T21:07:00.001-08:00

I just saw Being John Malkovich again, after a long period of not seeing it. Christina thought it was really sad, which I had never even thought about, but I guess maybe I am not in tune with that particular emotion. In any event, on the topic of smallotry, the movie has a great orientation video, which is right... here.

I also saw the movie Sunshine, which I promised Christina would not be like the movie Event Horizon. Oops! It was practically a remake. However, this movie could have been my favorite movie ever. If there had been no 'slasher' part to it, it would have been so good, and also, I have learned from wikipedia.org, they don't even acknowledge the Event Horizon connection. In addition, the movie is apparently supposed to take place in 2057? No. No. No. It should take place in, like, 3,000,000,612. That is when it should take place. Thank you. That would make it perfect. Thank you.

P.S. If you guys are interested, there is a great Oscars blog you should check out, here.

Kristin Chenoweth

2008-02-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

Kristin Chenoweth—4'11—performed one of the songs from the Disney movie-musical "Enchanted" last night at the Oscars. A lot of people were wondering how Enchanted could lose for best song when fully 3 out of the 5 songs nominated were from that movie. Here is the answer: when you have too many songs from the same movie, it splits the votes! That's why we don't nominate two Democrats against one Republican or vice versa. Also, another thing to remember is that all of the songs that were nominated were terrible.

A Response To My Readers

2008-02-22T17:03:00.000-08:00

Wow, I had no idea that so many people were so worried about me! Chris, I already forget what your comment was, but thank you. Tom, I am excited to work on your movie, especially now that I know you read this blog. Mom, why haven't you e-mailed me about yesterday's post yet? Not as good as the other ones?

In short news, I just saw the movie In Bruges. It was pretty good, and features a lot of discussion of whether a large percentage of dwarfs commit suicide. Much of this discussion is set off because one of the main characters is a racist, drug addled dwarf played by Jordan Prentice, of American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile fame. Jordan is a Canadian.

A Long Overdue Apology to My Readers

2008-02-20T21:56:00.000-08:00

This has been the longest absence from blogging in a while, and it pains me to have to come back here and hang my head in shame before all of you nice people. This is especially hard when there have been so many exciting new developments in the world of smallotry.com, for instance, our very own Duffbert has reviewed The Short Book on his blog and on amazon.com. Also, the results of the caption contest on mentalfloss.com were announced. So, you see, you're missing out on a lot, and it's pretty much my fault. Here are my excuses:

1. A friend of mine told me about this thing called google analytics, which is a function on google that lets you see how many people are looking at your blog and where they are from etc. According to google analytics, there are zero visitors to this blog, from zero locations. I know that can't be right, because I visit this site. So there should at least be one visitor. Me. But it's possible I pasted the code in the wrong place, so it's not working correctly. In any event, this blog is my heart and soul, my pride and joy, and it was a little disconcerting that not even I was visiting it.

2. I have been lifting a lot of weights recently.

3. I am also working on something of a tan.

4. Online boggle on facebook/watching American Idol.

5. I sort of hate this blog.

6. Recently, a lot of friends and acquaintances, some of whom I haven't seen in years, have been offering me a lot of unpaid working opportunities. Several people have offered to allow me to draw cartoons for free for projects they are working on, and some other people have offered to have me write unpaid humor pieces and in one case even a whole unpaid movie script, on an unspecified topic, of unspecified length. All of these incredible opportunities have led me to question if blogging is my true calling. It's actually sort of maudlin around here, what with all the self-doubt.

7. When I sit at my desk I usually, unconsciously, rest my left foot really hard against my right foot (I cross them) and so my feet have been hurting and it makes me not want to sit at my desk, which is why I'm writing this in bed, which, let's be frank, is not a good habit to start.

Oh, Hell Yes

2008-02-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

Everyone is talking about this article, and it is basically what I have been saying all along. Every short person, no matter how short, has the innate potential to be a world champion weight lifter. I don't even care if you want to be one. You owe it to your friends and neighbors to live up to your natural potential.

If You Only Have Time to See One Movie This Morning

2008-02-11T20:29:00.001-08:00

Make it mentalfloss.com, where they are showing the finalists to my caption contest.

Stepping Away From the Mainstream For a Second

2008-02-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

I just checked Amazon.com and they have reduced the price of my book. It might be the cheapest available object in the entire history of the internet. Talk about a recession!

Primary

2008-02-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I voted the other day, but it didn't take. Was this because I am short? YOU be the judge.

In Case You Didn't Realize

2008-02-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

The point of my last post about my landlords was not just to show the world that I am capable of succeeding in the medium of television, but rather to show that even though I was one of the shortest people in attendance, I was able to be the only tenant whose face was on camera for most of the time. Bear in mind, the last thing any tenant wants is for his landlords to see him at a protest against them. They evicted a guy and tried to kill his cats. I fear for my turtle's life. You can see what my turtle, Mike Belmont, looks like in the Short Zach Braff video. He's already depressed enough, without having to be murdered.

I also got my first royalty check today. I have outsold the bible (sales figures were taken from a period prior to 300 AD).

Duffbert, Look at This

2008-01-31T17:21:00.000-08:00

Folks, Duffbert,

Here is some important publicity for the short book. I am the guy with the green hat in the background. The guy mysteriously stroking the cat is state senator Duane Reade. You have to click on the video link that you can find by following this link.

best,

Smallotry.com

More Mainstream News!

2008-01-31T07:53:00.001-08:00

One thing a lot of people like is the Daily Show, with its charismatic host and hilarious youtube.com clips. But did you know that Jon Stewart is short? Here are some things he said last night about his being short in relation to Conan O'Brien in an old photo:

"There is some controversy here, and that is to whether I am an adult sized male."

"We're the same size, that's a perspective shot."

"Conan's arm is 20 feet long."

"There's no reason to taunt me on the way into the building."

"John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina."

"For months Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination... and then people started voting."

The lesson here is that when your writers are on strike you have to resort to killing time by making jokes about being short. That makes me feel bad about what I do.

But here is something that makes me feel good about what I do—an excerpt from my presidential heights page on Digg.com via mentalfloss.com. Thanks mentalfloss.com! There is also a caption contest that I drew there, so check it out.

Okay, I'm late for a press conference! (It's about how my landlords evicted a guy and sent his four cats to the pound.) See you on local TV!

Here Goes Nothing

2008-01-29T07:14:00.000-08:00

Do any of you like this woman, Amy Winehouse? I've heard she is all the rage. Thoughts?

Big Changes at Smallotry.com

2008-01-29T06:59:00.000-08:00

I guess because we won all sorts of internet awards there is a lot of new interest in smallotry.com. I won't say who, but one major corporation even made an offer to buy us out. Of course I said no, but it was a tempting proposal. You don't know what you'll agree to after your third or fourth chicken kiev.

And the links! Suddenly newyorker.com is linking to us, which is a lot of pressure, because people have a certain expectation of quality from the New Yorker, which we don't share here at smallotry.com. We let if flow, for better or for worse. Remember the "History of Violence" liveblogging. I didn't realize that when you liveblog, you're supposed to post each thought as it happens, not just write them all down and post them at the end.

But there's more! This week over at mentalfloss.com there is a whole bunch of stuff about The Short Book. You can see today's interview: here.

Now what does this mean for the average smallotry.com reader? It means there are going to be a lot more of you pretty soon, and that means that things need to get a lot more mainstream. In the real world, people don't want to read links to articles, and they don't care what other people think about movies. People who live in the real world care about one thing: mainstream things. And smallotry.com is bowing to the pressure.

Will there be more sex and gossip here? If that is mainstream. Will there be more photo funnies? If I can figure out how to upload them. Will there be content about smallotry and other shortness related bigotry? As long as the majority of people find that information to be conventional.

Let's do this, together.

Important Article

2008-01-24T10:30:00.001-08:00

I haven't read this article yet, but apparently short people are prone to get arthritis, y'all.

Very Very Important

2008-01-22T20:39:00.001-08:00

This is exactly the kind of thing I've been talking about here on smallotry.com. Basically, if you follow that first link (I finally figured out how to put links in the text) you will see an article about these robbers who use dwarfs hidden in hockey bags to rob passengers on buses. If you follow the second link, you will be taken to groogle.com, which is nothing.

This brings up an important point, which is that dwarfs have hidden in tote bags since time immemorial in the hopes of robbing people. For instance, Runi Tober was an Italian robber in the 19th century who did the same thing. No big deal. Read all about it in my book: 100,000 Rhyming Things To Remember To Say To People Before I Go To Sleep Tonight.

Ryan Seacrest

2008-01-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

A lot of folks are making a big deal about how short Ryan Seacrest is. Well, a few years ago I was watching Ryan Seacrest on the David Letterman show, and I started to freak out because it seemed like he was really evil and insecure. Now I just think he's pretty insecure, but he appears to have grown into himself, as it were, and that makes me feel a little bit better about him. In fact, I no longer think he is evil at all. The movie American Dreamz has Hugh Grant playing a really evil sort of version of Ryan Seacrest. Do not see that movie. Unrelated. The movie is terrible.

In any event, I'm glad that Ryan Seacrest is short. It humanizes him, and it humanizes all the American Idol contestants because you can tell how tall they are in relation to him. As a matter of fact, I now think they are all too humanized, and it makes me a little sad.

If You Only Have Time to See One Movie This Morning

2008-01-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

Make it Norbit.

Smallotry Today

2008-01-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

People think there is no smallotry in the world, but today someone asked me if I could even reach the wine glasses in my own apartment. I can reach the ones that are closest to the front of the cabinet, but not the second or third tier of glasses. DUH.

2008 on Smallotry.com

2008-01-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

Whew! The 2007-2008 blogger awards season is finally over, and I can get back to actually blogging again. For those of you who don't have an "in" on the whole month-long gala event, here were some highlights:

Smallotry.com won the award for Best Overall Feeling
I personally won an award for being neither anorexic nor too fat (there are a lot of awards at these things)
I met the editors of Gawker—an 8 year old boy and his bored father
Google made me an offer I couldn't refuse (a gmail subscription)
Two different people approached me about guest-editing their blogs about clubbing. No thanks, weirdos!
Noah Baumbach and his wife, Jennifer Jason Leigh, were there, looking great.

At one point, during HuffingtonPost week, Alec Baldwin and I were smoking cigars on the balcony and he said to me, "You're the Smallotry.com guy, right? I loved your book, and I absolutely love your frickin' blog, but it seems like you're stretching yourself a little thin. You're trying to blog for everyone. Know your audience kid. For instance, when I did the remake of "The Getaway" with my then-wife Kim Basinger, we had a sex scene and y'know, people knew that it was possible we were really having sex on set, because we were man and wife. You see what I'm saying? Know your audience." Then he started punching me all over, as a joke at first, but then they were real punches and I had to run inside as he tore at my shirt.

I did know what he was saying. In the old year I was too worried about getting the word out there about my book, and the book tour, and frankly, it worked. I have now sold more copies than they even printed of The Da Vinci Code, and I am still penniless. But thank you America and other nations, for giving me a chance. In the new year, I will focus on using this blog for what it is intended to be used for: documenting the day-to-day degradations I experience and witness as a person of short stature. And you, readers, readers who number like the stars, you are welcome to contribute your own tales of shame and abasement.

Sincerely,

Smallotry.com

A Short Joke, Courtesy of the Internet

2007-12-19T22:18:00.000-08:00

"You are so short, you have to get on a stool just to pick your nose."

End of the Year Awards

2007-12-11T23:16:00.000-08:00

Congratulations Smallotry.com readers! We were just nominated by www.google.com as one of the best blogs on the internet! Smallotry.com will bring you all the updates on the awards process, as well as presenting some of our own end of the year awards. Tis' the season.

A special holiday surprise: our very own featured video about Short Zach Braff has been viewed over, wait for it, 300 times on youtube.com!

Now get back to your holiday parties you crazy kids.

Special Offer!

2007-12-04T22:46:00.001-08:00

I'm taking a quick break from answering your tough comments, readers, in order to take care of some housecleaning:

If you go to amazon.com right now, you can buy my book, "The Short Book" AND "The Daring Book for Girls" by Andrea J. Buchanan for only $24.92! That is a savings of $1.00!

Short Quote of the Day: "Shortness of breath and shortness of temper are common afflictions of the tall." - Pericles

Quick Movie Review: "The Savages" stars P. S. Hoffman and Laura Linney. The first half hour is great. The last half hour is one half hour too many. The half hours in between are mixed. A small observation: it is not hard to make people seem like they have sad lives if you just show them staring at a bleek landscape and score it with sad music. A tour de force.

Comments Responses, Part III

2007-12-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

There are some comments about Presidents I need to address, but here is an easy one:

LOVE THE SINNER: Arnold Schwartzenneger is only 5'7" short. I stood behind him at a Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor in Santa Monica while he very politely chatted up the register girl who seemed to be talking to a movie star for the first time in her life. I had a long wait while she failed to muster up the courage to either make a pass or ask for his autograph so I got a real good look at the top of his head which seemed to be squeezed from out of his Gold's Gym tanktop without the aid of a neck.

I'm 5'9 and 1/2" tall (I say tall because 5'9" is exactly average) so there's no way he's the height you mentioned in your otherwise fine post.

Just thought you'd appreciate the correction, even though it's too late to fix your book. (Maybe you could tell people it was intended to be a comedy)

Me: Thanks for the info! I do very much appreciate that correction and am not at all surprised. Unfortunately, it is too late to fix my book and I just don't think I would be able to convince anyone that it is a comedy book.

Comment Responses, Part II

2007-11-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

This is a comment from Mosh:

I liked the illustrations too, but, being anally inclined (and too tall to tell any tales) I feel I must correct any misappropriations made about pogo sticks. Pogo sticks weren't invented until very much after James Madison kicked the proverbial bucket(which is very similar to the actual bucket he stood on when addressing the proverbial crowd). Madison stood on a bucket or, in a pinch, a barrel (which made him a giant among men), and/or in those more backward areas of this great nation where a bucket or barrel was not forthcoming, he stood on the occasional hog's head. I kid you not. Look it up.

Me: Mosh, I'm not sure you realized you were doing this, but you said you were "anally inclined." Pretty funny. Thanks for the comment!

Comments Responses, Part I

2007-11-29T16:41:00.000-08:00

There were a lot of comments about how I left out Napoleon in my discussion of height in politics. Here are my responses to those questions:

Cognate: You left out Napoleon.
Me: I left out a lot of people in that post, because there are enough to fill a book. Which I did. The book includes Napoleon. I can't give you the whole cow if you're just going to drink all of the milk out of it first and leave it shriveled up hanging half out of a trough, as the expression goes.

Shizzlewhizzle: Napoleon was 5-6 very good for his days.
Me: Yes, he was 5' 6 1/2" which was above average height for a Frenchman in his time. Napoleon has a reputation as a short fellow for a number of reasons, but one of them was that he was 5'2" in French Inches, which were longer than British Inches, and since the British hated him, they didn't correct the mistake. Luckily, the metric system was around and before Napoleon's autopsy, his physician, Francesco Antommarchi, measured the emperor’s body as 1.686 meters, which is around 5’6.3 in today’s inches.

StephenJK: Ask Napoleon Bonaparte if height matters in politics.
Me: I...uh...I wish I could do that StephenJK.

Issak: Napoleon wasn't a politician.
Me: Yes, he is a cake.

Kendo Nagasaki: Yes, he is a cake.
Me: Oh! I didn't notice that. I guess we agree, Kendo Nagasaki.

StephenJK: He was a general who made political decisions. I consider him a politician by proxy.
Me: Fair enough. But should we consider him a politician? To help us with this question, I am providing a short biography that was cut from The Short Book. Enjoy!

A Short History of Not-Short Napoleon Bonaparte

“A Constitution should be short and obscure.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon was born in Corsica, on August 15th, 1769. As a child he was picked on for always posing for pictures with his arm in his coat. According to Napoleon, his father was a lover of pleasure (this was not a compliment coming from Napoleon, who preferred displeasure) and his mother was very harsh with him: "She sometimes made me go to bed without supper, as if there were nothing to eat in the house. One had to learn to suffer and not let others see it." Straight out of Dickens. C’mon Napoleon, grow up.

And grow up he did. After longing for death during his teens (like any normal teenager) he got all caught up in the French revolution, joining the military and rapidly advancing. By killing a lot of people Napoleon became general. If he had only saved a lot of people instead, he could have been a general practitioner. That is a joke that widows used to say about Napoleon, the man who murdered their husbands.

In 1796, Napoleon married Marie-Josephe-Rose Tascher, whom he called Josephine. A widow with two children, Josephine was somewhat perplexed and put-off by this strange little man, but he was going places and she needed support. To make a long story short: their marriage was not that happy, then sad, then a little bit happy, then pretty bad, and then she couldn’t have a baby and they got divorced. In 1810 he married the 19-year-old princess of Austria, Marie Louise. Upon her arrival from Austria, before even the ceremony could take place, Napoleon took her to bed. He claimed that her first words to him were, “Do it again.” It is a truly beautiful story.

Napoleon had many successes as a general and he advertised them well, creating newspapers to tell of his victories and crushing newspapers that wouldn’t. He even wrote some of the articles, coining such real one-liners as “Bonaparte flies like lightning and strikes like a thunderbolt” and not coining other fake ones such as “Bonaparte is frightening to behold in his sleek new moccasins.”

He had spies everywhere, even underwater—he thought fish were underwater spies and he would throw money into the river to pay them, yelling, “Collect your blood money, you fish.”

Napoleon drafted many important peace agreements, developed the first codified system of law in France —known as the Civil Code, or Napoleonic Code, which still exists to this day—and crowned himself Emperor of France on December 2nd, 1804. As emperor, Napoleon formed the first “Grand Armée,” which he used to subdue much of Europe. Ironically, the only part of Europe that Napoleon could not suppress was his own troubled stomach. Oh, and Russia.

Domestically, Napoleon was met with other troubles: political troubles. He was acting like a tyrant. He had a man kidnapped and executed without a trial or a last meal. When the French noblemen found out, there was mutiny afoot. Napoleon was exiled to the isle of Elba (an insult in itself, as he was known for his tiny elbows). After amassing an army and plotting a return, Napoleon was ultimately defeated at the Battle of Waterloo, so named because that was the song they played dramatically over the loudspeakers while they fought.

Napoleon died during his second exile to St. Helena in 1821. He died as he lived: forty-six-years-old.

Comments

2007-11-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

Loyal readers, you are probably wondering if the reason I haven't posted in a week-and-a-half is because I got a job. Do not worry! I just celebrate Thanksgiving for almost two weeks. Old family tradition, ever since the Mayflower.

Little change of pace coming at you folks. For the next week or so I will be responding to some of the comments that were left on my Huffington Post piece. I waited long enough to almost assure that none of the original commenters would follow up and read this, because I have stage fright and I don't like to write for an audience. Did you know that 'commenters' is not a real word?

This experiment will begin after my lunch, which could last up to four or five hours.

Never Before Seen Art from The Short Book!

2007-11-19T22:48:00.000-08:00

It's time to get back to our roots here at smallotry.com. And at our roots, at our core, is this art of a baby head on a leg that almost went into The Short Book. The context of this artwork is that there are worse things in life than being short, for instance, you could look like this:

An alternative drawing was this:But in the end, as those of you who own the book know, the choice was made that the thing that put being short in the best perspective was this:

As you can see, it is unattractive to own and wield a firearm.

Movie Quickie: Hollywoodland

2007-11-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

Don't see the movie Hollywoodland, it is terrible.

Huffington Post

2007-11-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

Here is a modified excerpt from The Short Book on the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/zach-kanin/does-height-matter-in-pol_b_73129.html

Thanks for the comments, Huffington Post commenters, I am going to respond to a few of the issues you brought up in an upcoming post. So get ready!

Also, speaking of which, a few weeks ago we had our first commenter on smallotry.com that was not me. So congratulations, Andrew, you have set the bar.

Rejection Collection

2007-11-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

So, I have a few cartoons in the second volume of the Rejection Collection, Cream of the Crap, which is a book of rejected New Yorker cartoons edited by New Yorker cartoonist Matthew Diffee. In this NPR interview, Matt talks about some stuff, and then he talks about two of my cartoons in the last 40 seconds or so. You can listen for yourself if you go to this link:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16321569

What If?

2007-11-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

What if one of the newsreel things at the side of this blog was about this blog? It would read something like this:

Smallotry.com Drops Da Bomb!
Short people of the world rejoice! There is finally a blog for you! Everyone is talking about this amazing new thing: blogs! And what if there was one that talked about the stuff you needed? Like movie reviews! Artist and perennial wit Zachary Kanin brings his own brand of sardonic genius to the medium of the internet, and it is like a marriage of heaven and hell... with one HECK of a baby: comedy!

The Worst Thing

2007-11-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

The only thing worse than TiVoing "A Night at the Roxbury" is watching "A Night at the Roxbury" and discovering you have already seen "A Night at the Roxbury." And then watching "A Night at the Roxbury" anyways. Twice. Two days in a row.

Movie Review: Invincible

2007-11-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

Here is the official tagline for the movie: "If you've ever thought that Mark Wahlberg didn't have really strong, sculpted arms, be prepared... to believe."

B-, not as good as Gridiron Gang. I figured out who the love interest was almost immediately.

Movie Review: Gridiron Gang

2007-11-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

So, last post I told you about a bunch of stuff I need to write about. Good point. But I saw most of Gridiron Gang starring Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson and Xzibit this evening, and that is what matters most now.

First of all, the movie is about two-and-a-half hours long. I came in at about the 45 minute mark and I was honestly shocked that there were over 100 minutes left in the movie. I thought it was the end of the movie, but it wasn't. And I am glad it wasn't.

When I saw previews for this movie, I thought it was ridiculous. The Rock is and always will be a comedian, so how could he handle a dramatic role? Also, the premise of the movie is that a bunch of kids in a juvenile detention facility defy the odds and are great at football. Well, duh. These kids are deemed so violent and dangerous to society that they are locked up behind walls and gates with guards all around them. Just so they won't hurt anybody. If they are not locked up, they will just hurt people and kill people. I wonder if they will be good at a game where your only goal is to hit people so hard they get concussions and die.

Or so I thought. In fact, these kids come from troubled backgrounds and are wrapped up in gangs and even the Rock has a few troubling skeletons in his closet. Long story short, I was close to tears for an hour-and-a-half. It might have been because there was a slow, tremulous trumpet playing with my heartstrings for the entire movie, or it may have been because this old, jaded cynic isn't made entirely...of stone.

Catch Up Time

2007-11-12T22:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks, there is a lot of stuff to catch up on here, since it has been about a week since I last posted. I didn't mean to leave all of my loyal readers stranded, and believe you me, I have learned my lesson! You guys don't give a guy a break! And all these book orders I now have to process—it's like insanity around here.

Anyway, a lot has happened. We had a book party, we got a ringing endorsement from www.shortsupport.org (look in their library, the book is there), we got another endorsement from www.cartoonbank.com (look on my page, the link is in the sidebar of this blog) and I grew six inches. Also, we started a charity.

So, that last paragraph is basically a summary of what would have been posted on this blog in the last week if I had been posting, but I hadn't been, so now it's a preview of what's to come this week. Consider it a calendar of upcoming events on smallotry.com.

And consider it well, because it is your last warning.

Short Zach Braff Cryptically Discusses His Career For Some Reason While Reading the Short Book

2007-11-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

Short Quote of the Week

2007-11-02T13:18:00.001-07:00

"The shortest distance between two people is love."
-Zachary Kanin

Update

2007-10-31T14:21:00.000-07:00

According to one of the articles on the news reel on this blog, short men are more likely to be pedophiles than tall men. Go figure!

Liveblogging A History of Violence by David Cronenberg, on Tivo

2007-10-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

Here it is, Halloween Day, and I, your humble blogger-author, am doing you the service of liveblogging for the first time ever, A History of Violence:

Viggo Mortensen's son in this movie is UNREAL. Everyone in the house comes to help a little girl because she had a nightmare. Here is what real families do: "Shut up you little girl! Don't you know the difference between dreams and reality!"

The coolest kid in school gets so mad he is tongue-tied that somebody caught his pop fly in a high school gym class baseball game.

Maria Bello is dressed like a cheerleader. Viggo Mortensen doesn't even TRY to pretend like he is a coach or a football player.

Right now, fans, I am watching Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello '69'.

Now they are asleep. I'm skipping the pillow-talk part. Thank god for TiVo.

I have to admit, I have seen this movie before. I forgot how much this stupid son is in the movie. OH MY GOD.

A crazy thing just happened. A bunch of people just got their faces blown off. Not to give anything away.

Realization: I have never before come face to face with true evil.
Realization #2: I have never come out of a building and had an entire town cheer for me. Except when I was in a wedding in France and I accidentally came out the door where the bride and groom come out and the whole town was cheering for them. For one brief instant.

The son just said: "Hey dad, they all just want to interview you because of what you did... You're a HEEEROO dad!" and he shakes Viggo Mortensen's arm. This kid is in high school remember. I don't know how many days have passed since the shooting stuff.

Every scene without the son is like a breath of fresh air or a moment of life without Shrek or Patton Oswald in Ratatouille.

Revelation: "A History of Violence" actually refers to Viggo Mortensen having a history of violence. It does not refer to a chronological history of violence in the world.

The son is worried about his dad because his dad is sweating. I might have to skip ahead to the fight scene.

I wish this had commercials.

I have a Neil Young documentary TiVo'd that I want to check out in increments.

The son fought some kids. His first move: he kicked a dude in the nuts. Great.

!

The son shot a mobster. This is really a history of the son's violence. History repeats itself.

I'm going to admit that I don't know how I would react if a bunch of mobsters were trying to kill my dad. Sure I would shoot them, but I think I would be a little braver about it than the son in this movie.

Viggo Mortensen ass shot just now. They are having sex on a staircase. Looks uncomfortable.

FYI: There are no short people in this movie. Everyone looks about the same average height.

Woah. I did not expect to see Maria Bello naked just now. Not sure how I feel about this, reader.

William Hurt is his brother? I thought it was Kevin Pollack.

The movie is almost over.

It's over now.

Contest Winners Announced - Thursday, October 25th, 2007

2007-10-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

As there was only one essay submitted, the author of that essay will receive all three prizes, totaling 10,040 dollars and one trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I am speechless.

The winning essay:

Becawse I M shawt, I have neffuh been to the Wite Hoawse.

-Chestah

There you have it folks. The winning essay, the winner of 10040 dollars and a trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory. Thanks for participating, Chestah.

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007. One more day!

2007-10-29T22:17:00.002-07:00

So, luckily I wrote the contest deadline incorrectly as Thursday, October 24th. Today, Wednesday, is actually the 24th, so I am extending the contest until Thursday, October 25th. I say this is lucky because NO ONE HAS SUBMITTED ANY ESSAYS YET. What is going on? There is a huge cash prize available here? Are people not reading this? Do none of you have any experiences either good or bad, but rather all of your waking hours are 100 percent middle of the road, emotionless, common experiences that provoke no positive or negative sensations in your brains whatsoever? I'm sorry if I'm getting hot, but I just find it hard to believe that no one wants to submit to this essay contest.

Where are those essays?

2007-10-29T22:17:00.001-07:00

Essay Contest - Monday, October 22nd, 2007

2007-10-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, welcome to the first annual Smallotry Essay Contest! It's simple, just think of a time in your life when you were either sad or happy that you were short, describe it, and come to a conclusion using supporting evidence. Then send it in and wait for the prizes to be announced!

1st Prize: Over 10,000 dollars
2nd Prize: 40 dollars
3rd Prize: A trip to the Cape Cod Potato Chip factory, in Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Deadline: Thursday, October 24th, 2007

Good luck, shorties!

Oh My God

2007-10-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am a total idiot! I posted on this blog all last week, some pretty good stuff too, and I was also supposed to be guest hosting on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, but I just kept saving the posts instead of publishing them. I should have "view[ed]" my blog but I figured everything was fine. I hope the news reel feature I added two weeks ago has kept you guys entertained and informed on the stuff that is going on in the short community. Anyways, I feel like a total idiot. I'm gonna post the stuff from the past week sort of staggered, so there should be a few posts coming up.

Short Zach Braff Endorses The Short Book

2007-10-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

Exciting Developments with the Blog

2007-10-19T12:47:00.001-07:00

Before reading this post, please look at the right hand side of the blog and you will notice a few new features. There is a 'list element' that provides a list of when I will be doing readings and publicity for The Short Book. There is a also a 'newsreel' which shows the google news searches for "short stature." I toyed with the idea of putting a newsreel with the search for "short stature big ideas" but the sidebar was getting way too long, even for a blog. The first search for that one was something called "hip hip hobbit" which was about a bar tended only by short people. Interesting sure, but newsworthy? Sure.

The Short Book World Tour

2007-10-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

The Short Book is going on a tour around the blogging world. This week it is on Nick Sylvester's www.riffmarket.com for the whole week! Thanks Nick, I am sure everyone who reads your blog is wondering what the shit is going on. Who knows where we'll be next week? We could be on eleventhstreetclubbingblog.blogspot.com, or even eleventhstreetoffice.blogspot.com! This is very excited for all of us here (me).

Also, there is a live actual tour going on. This Sunday, October 21st, I am doing a reading with the author of Ant Farm; And Other Disasters Simon Rich, Saturday Night Live writer Colin Jost, and New Yorker writer Lizzie Widdicombe, at the KGB Bar in New York City. The rest of the tour I will try to put on a sidebar on this blog.

Also, people, please stop calling me at night. I am sorry if this blog's comments section can't accommodate all of your comments, but I need to sleep at night. I will answer your questions from my voicemail alphabetically for now, but after this, just confine yourself to the comments section or snail mail. Thanks.

Question 1: How do you sleep?
I sleep on my stomach. This is because when I was a young adolescent at summer camp I had thin sheets and did not want to wake up in a bunk full of my peers with morning moose showing. I trained myself.

Question 2: Where is the best place for a short person to buy a bed?
Online. That way there are no pushy salespeople trying to get a commission.

Question 3: Which is the best brand of bed for a short person?
The kind astronauts use. Most astronauts are short, and they have to sleep really well or else they will get claustrophobic. I learned from a soda cup at McDonald's yesterday that astronauts grow 2 inches in space.

Question 4: Why do astronauts grow two inches in space?
Well, I could look this up on the internet, but so could you, so I will just guess: we all grow 1-2 inches every night when we sleep because we shrink that amount during the day just from gravity. There is no gravity in space, so they are not being squashed down during the day. Another possibility is from physics: as matter approaches the speed of light it expands infinitely. So when you see a video of astronauts in a spaceship, they look relatively the same size because everything has expanded, but they are about 400 miles long.

Question 5: Why don't you just put your phone on vibrate at night so I can't call you or look at you through your window. Did you know your curtains don't cover your window all the way at the top?
Yes, I did know that about my curtains. I don't put my phone on vibrate, because then when it vibrates on my night stand it is liable to shake itself onto the floor which is really scary at night. Scarier than talking to a crazy stalker.

Smallotry Quiz

2007-10-15T21:56:00.001-07:00

Here are three real testimonials from my blog's real readers. I want you to read them and think about whether they are examples of smallotry, and then just think some more about things you don't get a chance to think about that often. You can't spend your whole life avoiding thinking about death. It is real, and terrifying.

Testimonial 1:
I'm a short lady, and I enjoy sleeping next to my tall hubby because he makes me feel safe and loved. The only thing is that lately before we go to sleep, he calls me another woman's name and tells me he thinks his wife is crazy. Is he making fun of me because I am short?

Testimonial 2:
I am a short man and a lot of times at the office people will say things like, "Hey Junior, how was your 'big' golf game this weekend?" Are they making fun of me for being short, or are they just saying my name, which is Junior, and referring to the fact that I post weekly pornographic films of myself on the office server under the file name 'big golf game'?

Testimonial 3:
I write history books, and one thing I can never figure out is what's the difference between ibid and idem for a bibliography? I am also fluent in Latin, so this is really stupid of me.

Movie Corner

2007-10-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Q. What is the shortest movie you've ever watched?
A. A YouTube.

I just watched Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I give it a B-

That's this week's movie corner. Next week's will be a little better.

Other Characteristics

2007-10-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

While 'short' is neither here nor there, here are some descriptors that are generally uncomplimentary:

Squat
Husky
Dumpy
Thickset
Podgy
Round
Stubby
Stocky
Solid-ly fat
Bunched Up
Sneezable
Mummy
Trapezoidal
Terrycloth-Cheeked
Forty-Bagger
You Look Like a Dog Fart

Thanks, Microsoft Thesaurus!

HOLY CRAP - Never before seen art from The Short Book!

2007-10-10T13:26:00.001-07:00

Believe it or not, this art did not pass the cut for publication. It is a beautifully rendered piece that depicts a young Drew Barrymore coming to terms with the early addictions that came with fame at such a young age. Drew Barrymore—5'1"—has suffered enough in the public eye, and it is just not my place to make this kind of comment that I almost did. I saw Drew Barrymore once on the street outside of the New York Public Library at Bryant Park. She seemed small, and not too many people noticed her, but I did, because I'm pretty good at spotting celebrities. A lot of people know that about me.

News You Can Use

2007-10-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Columbus Day in the United States. How tall was this genocidal monster, Christopher Columbus? There are no portraits in existence from when he was alive, so we have to go by written accounts. His illegitimate son Ferdinand describes him as follows:

The Admiral was a well-built man of more than medium stature, long visaged with cheeks somewhat high, but neither fat nor thin. He had an aquiline nose and his eyes were light in color; his complexion too was light, but kindling to a vivid red. In youth his hair was blond, but when he came to his thirtieth year it all turned white. [Morison 1942: 44]

This description is pretty much corroborated by other equally reliable sources with a few minor discrepancies. Nevertheless, there is agreement that he was "taller than the average" and "his form was tall, above the medium." Also, you can see in this picture that Columbus was as big as a boat. (I stole this picture from the internet, but I think it is legal.)

So, shorties, love him or hate him, he wasn't one of us.

For further reading: http://commfaculty.fullerton.edu/lester/writings/admiral.html

Introduction

2007-10-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

Hello again. I thought it might be important to make an introduction to this blog.

The Short Book is a funny little book about being short, the science behind shortness, famous short people, and smallotry. Smallotry is discrimination against a person based on his or her short stature. I coined the term in the book. That's how important this book is.

Anyways, this is sort of an addendum, for extra short news, and to serve as a forum for short people to talk about how they have suffered. But please, no nuts. You know who you are nuts, so don't write in. Thanks. So remember, no nuts, just really irate people who remember every slight they have ever received.

There are worse things than being short. Like losing a parent, or a grandparent, or some kids, or a leg, or an arm, an eye, a bike, a piece of cake, the lottery, a soccer game, a magic pie, a sick dog, or a brick that you chiseled a pretty girl's phone number on with a rusty nail. But life is pretty long and pretty boring, so there is a lot of time to think about the ways that each and every one of us got screwed by Mother Nature, or science, or God, or whoever you personally believe totally screwed you.

And that is why us short people can be simultaneously pissed off about our lot in life, and pissed up about the advantages of being short. Pissed up means like "revved up."

I just realized I should be writing this blog as a person who is just a fan of the book. I might do that tomorrow. We all have a lot to learn.

Some Art from The Short Book

2007-10-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

The Short Book

2007-10-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I haven't watched this yet, but I think it has to do with shortness:

http://ianschwartz.com/2007/09/27/video-dennis-kucinich-its-either-me-or-a-tall-president/